Friday, July 26, 2013

So that's why they call it a rebound

I haven't been writing here, but there has been plenty to write about.

Let's start with the juicy bits, shall we?  I know you want to know.


The good:  Oh good grief that man was handsome.  There wasn't an ounce of fat on his long, lean physique, and he had a soccer player's legs and a flat stomach that just about made me cry from joy.  Strong arms.  The height thing.  Good hair.  Skin that had a bit of a golden glow to it...  Oh, ahem.  Sorry, I've gone on.  I thought he was good looking, okay?  One of the most handsome men I've ever dated.  Which may have swayed me, but ahem, we are talking about the good.  Successful professional.  Sweeeeeeeet talker, he knew how to say just the right thing at just the right time.  Gave me butterflies every time I saw him.

The bad:  I loved that he was very self disciplined, but hated that he Did Not Eat Dessert (that could be his code name), and that he was a workaholic.  But mostly I hated that he didn't appear to know how to belly laugh, and that he took everything....and I mean damned seriously.  I was a woman who escaped a terrible marriage, and frankly, I want to PLAY and make up for lost time.  I want to laugh.  Why does it have to be serious all the time, even when it's sweet serious?  He told me "you are a gift in my life" more often than I counted, but I don't think we giggled even once.  He had interesting hobbies and did "fun" things, but he just didn't seem to have fun.  Yikes.

The ugly:  He imploded, freaked out and went from sweet talk to icicles, saying "You know, I just don't have time for a relationship."  Ass.  If you don't want me, then there's the door.

And in a combination of good, bad, and ugly, but with a preamble...
I don't take sex lightly.  I read a theory once that every time you have sex, you give your partner a little piece of your soul, and you want to be careful how much of your soul exists outside of you.  I like that theory on a number of levels: it's not about moralistic judgments, but it does make you take a breath before diving in.

I took a lot of breaths.  We didn't sleep together for two months even though the thought crossed my mind on the second date.  (Don't judge!  He was THAT HOT.  And do you have any idea how long it had been?  And hey, I didn't do it then!  No thought police to arrest me - it was just an idea...)  We talked about what sex meant.  We talked about partnership.  We talked about love.

We ended up having unplanned sex - not the weekend away I think I deserved, but a Sunday night at his house, with my dog at my house needing me to come home and let him out, and work the next day, we took the plunge for the first time together.

So....ladies and gentlemen, souls and emotions and such aside, sex is AWESOME.  How come I forgot that?  I really thought that the changes my body has seen (which include cancer and its corresponding lack of estrogen or real breasts, to say nothing of aging nearly 20 years since the last time I took on a new lover, and having had a child since then, as well as a total hysterectomy...yikes!) made it impossible for me to enjoy myself that way again, and my marriage hadn't done anything to change that opinion.

It was fantastic.  Oh dear God it was amazing fun, actually.  It was WAY more fun than I'd had in a long time, and most certainly more fun than Bryan and I ever had.

Overshare okay?  Well.....rolling waves of orgasms, one after the next, each unexpected.  Without trying.  Without tricks.  They just - appeared!  And when I thought that was all done, more.  Wow.  At the end of our first time, I giggled.  And I high fived him.  I said, "I had no idea my body could still do that!" and he frowned and said, "Well, of course it can!" but I think he had no idea what we were talking about.

In my 20s, there was this one guy, and the sex was off the charts.  My body was so responsive back then, and didn't take much more than a thought to enjoy sex.  He and I had incredible chemistry together for a year, and the sex never got old.  I thought that experience of sex was gone forever...and it's not.  I can hardly believe my good fortune: I am a woman in her 40s who has rolling waves of orgasms.  WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

And just for the record?  It was me, not him, and my body gets the credit for this.  He was fine - that beautiful body, that sweet talking - but it's not like he had some incredible sexual techniques, and we were fumbling to figure each other out, and that's it's own kind of fun, but we never did quite find our stride.  Frankly, I don't think he had nearly the level of fun that I did, and it's all a little unfair, but hey, a guy can only have so much fun, but for a woman it can be many layers deep.  Lucky me!

So, here's the thing:

I'm really glad I did this, all of it.  I was incredibly angry with him when he ended it, and I let him know it: I tore a strip off that poor man that he may never recover from.  (Tee hee.  He deserved it.)  I'm a nice girl - despite my love of orgasms! - and that he knew my stance on sex and played me anyway makes me pretty damned pissed off, and makes me understand that he was NOT the guy for me.  He was a sweet talker, but not genuine, and that is good information for me to have, because as soon as I figured it out I was OUTTA there.

But to remember what it's like to have a libido, to be reconnected to my own body?  That, dear readers, is not to be taken lightly.  I feel like I'm 22 again, and given that the past decade made me feel like Grandma Moses, feeling 22 is something I will take.

And to remember that attractive, successful men will be attracted to me?  Also priceless.  And to remember what sweet talk sounds like?  Very inspiring.

But there's more!

All of this has woken me up somehow.  (Sexually, it's a problem, because I don't intend to go find a new lover any time soon, and so now my libido is all dressed up with no place to go, which is frankly sad.) And I love, love, love this awakening.  I feel like I'm on fire again - ready to seize the world, ready to be spunky and sassy, ready to flirt, but also ready to write, to change up my career, to push myself running, to explore my dreams.  I don't know if it was the sex or the romance or the adrenaline of the ending, but something in me has ignited, and illuminated all that I want in my life.

There is a reason that people go through rebounds, I think, and I just experienced it.  I was so ready to believe that this could be my guy that I really had on some blinders.  And I was so anxious to get away from potato-chips-on-the-sofa-unemployed-man that I chose workaholic-no-fun-at-all-man.  I know now that "playful" is on my list of important attributes, and it's one I can't let go of.  Sure, I can be serious, and I need someone who is at least as responsible as I am....but I also know how to belly laugh, and I do it daily.  I need someone who will get to the top of the hike with me and race to take their clothes off and dive in.  I need someone who understands that a high five after sex is very, very funny.

So - now I know!  And I'm in no hurry to find his replacement....but I'm glad I went through that, good bad and ugly, and I'm in a better place now.



  1. BRAVO!!! How exciting, and encouraging, to read about all that you are re-discovering about yourself. I don't think you overshared AT ALL because it's part of the deep things you've dealt with, which is what ALL of us women deal with as we age: Our fear that it just ain't gonna get any better. And yet - IT DOES! :)

    BTW, there is a new commercial on tv with a mom walking into a kitchen and finding a trail of Cheerios across the floor... she follows it, and finds her little girl has made her own breakfast. I truly don't know why, but her smile and manner at the moment she sees her daughter always makes me think of YOU, PollyAnna. I send you love and light every time <3

  2. GIRL!!! Love your honesty about it. I'm glad you got out there and there are more rolling orgasms right around the corner.