Well, here we are - moving into the light, but the light is so incremental after Solstice that it's hard to see it. Still, I know that the darkest days are behind me, and that the light returns, and that in the blink of an eye the days will be warm, the daffodils will arise, and then I'll be out on my paddleboard in the Sound, warm and happy in only a bathing suit.
Well, it's a long blink, that's for sure. And sometimes it will seem impossibly long, and it's not unusual to feel like I'm moving backwards, but no matter how I feel, and no matter how tired I get, or no matter how behind I am, I will find myself in sunshine on a regular schedule.
Tonight is Christmas Eve-Eve, and I've been busy catching up on the things that needed to be caught up. I have cranberry bread waiting to go in the oven when the banana bread comes out (funny story: I do not traditionally make banana bread for Christmas, but the freezer was running out of room from things I DO plan to make, and so I had to remove the bananas to make room... banana bread it is!). The presents are all purchased and wrapped and hopefully Katherine will find them satisfactory. The fridge and freezer are stuffed with goodies in various stages of readiness; I'll make an apple pie tonight. Tomorrow our guests will arrive for a fun day of present exchange and visiting and so much food. Katherine has good gifts, and I think she'll be happy.
And me? I'm... good. So much better than other years. Behind at work and so I have to do grading over break (what else is new?!) but I can do that after Christmas. A calendar filled with fun social events... and some downtime, too.
Tonight, though, Bryan arrives to spend three nights in my guest room. (Snarky moment: if only he would stay in the guest room!) This is my gift to Katherine, and one I give gladly, because she deserves two parents, and she doesn't need to choose. It's also my gift to myself, that I can do this for her, and that I never need to spend a holiday without her (well, until she's off with a partner or something...). I absolutely love that she comes home for the holidays, and that her friends come to visit her and a little with me too. I love that I've created this life for her, where she knows where her home is, and she feels safe, and there are baked goods and fresh towels and the doorbell rings and she knows that something under the tree will be just right, and where we stay up too late watching Gilmore girls reruns and telling each other stories.
And if Bryan needs to be here, that's what needs to happen. I keep thinking that this will be the last year... our kid is nearly 21, has voted for three elections now! Surely this is it? But the thing is, she will always need to have to parents who love her, and there will never be a Christmas where she will want to move heaven and earth to figure out how to make both of us happy.
For me, there's more than a hint of "'tis the damn season" in it - here he comes again. He will complain about how I do things, comment on my choices, drink too much from my liquor cabinet. Our girl sleeps in late, and he gets up early, and I get up early too, so there will be that awkward time together drinking coffee and making smalltalk.
It's not my favorite.
But it's enough, and it's okay.
It's Christmastime Again. There is even blue in the sky, a reminder that the light really is coming back. And I'm back, too - so far removed from the broken person who fled her marriage with more hopes than plans, so unsure how I'd be able to keep my life together, so unsure how I'd survive. But the light returned, and I'm here.
Christmas Eve Eve, and the tree is pretty (although a little dry now), the stockings are hung, and the house is filled with good baking smells. I have a pocket full of crystals that remind me who I am - reminders for self compassion (rose quartz) and courage (amazonite). Katherine is still alseep in her messy childhood bedroom. Bryan is on a plane, inbound.
And all is well. So, so well. So much better than I dared to dream before. But now my dreams are even bigger, growing, boundless.
So not 'tis the damn season afterall. Just... happy holidays.
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