Real Life Practice

Today I got the call.  I haven't totally processed it yet, but indeed, my instincts were correct.  No dice, they want someone more experienced.

That is likely code for "man you really blew it but it'd be rude to say so..." and I saw it coming.

Does that soften the blow?  I don't know.  I'm telling myself that it softens the blow, but what is the truth?  That I'm crushed?  That I'm struggling with self doubt?  That I believe I'm trapped in a substandard job and reporting to a petty dictator who changes the rules as I go?  Or does it mean that better opportunities are waiting, that this wasn't the right time right now?  That I still have important lessons to learn?  That my current employer needs me more than before?  That given a bit more time, I will be even more valuable to my next employer?  That somewhere over the rainbow, there are bluebirds flying?

So, it's time to practice resilience.  Again.  I've gotten quite good at it, actually.  Lots, and lots, and lots of practice.

The truth, as usual, is somewhere in the middle of the extremes.  I am not dying from the rejection, but it stings.  I do not feel thrilled with this result, and nor was I dying for yet another character building life lesson.  I do not feel diminished to nothing, but I feel the rejection, and I'm shaken.

I have lived through enough of these ups and downs in my life to know that it's true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger (or, if you prefer more original sourcing, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger" - whether you prefer Kelly Clarkson or Nietzsche it works for me).  I could have died many times, and I have lived, not because I am better, but because, well, I did.  Yes, I have fought hard to regain my life, both after cancer and after divorce, and yes I'm proud of the work that I've done, but some of it is pure luck, and I know that.  I am alive and okay, so I'm lucky.

But all of this unintentional and unasked for practice has built up some really, really good resiliency skills.

Tonight I've kicked off my shoes.  I'm writing it out.  As luck would have it, another gymnastics mom was on schedule to take Katherine to gymnastics, so I have two hours to myself.  There is an episode of The Good Wife that I haven't watched yet.

I don't know yet where this will land, but I'm going to be okay.

***

How to be resilient:

1)  Do your best.  That way when it all comes crashing down you have some integrity to fall back on.
2)  Look at all of the crappy things that have ever happened to you.  Realize that you lived.  Know that if you survived them, you can survive whatever disaster you're in the middle of.
3)  Figure out what you're grateful for.  Tattoo it on your brain.  Repeat it ad nauseam.  "I have a comfortable home, and incredible daughter, and good health.  My friends love me.  I have a great education and a good network...." and so on.  When you run out of big things, aim at the little ones.  "I'm glad that the trees are bursting into blossom, that I got up early to go on a run, that I got caught up on the laundry this weekend."
4)  Do a little self care.  Yesterday I had my first pedicure in almost a year (? is that when? I can't remember) and today I got my brows done (painful, but I like the results).
5)  Get out and sweat.  Seriously, work it out.  Pant.  Sweat.  Gasp for air.  Feel the burn.  It'll distract you.
6)  Repeat.  Over, and over, and over, until something changes.  Your mood will change, and you won't care so much, or life will change, and it will become irrelevant, or just enough time will pass that the wound will become a scar.  Scars are hot, right?
7)  When you're sick of repeating because it is tedious and it's not fucking working then you have to keep repeating.  (This is a good time to add a bit of wine, if it doesn't prevent you from getting up early the next day to sweat it out.  Run hard.  Run until you think you're going to barf.  That means you're getting close.)

Somehow, this works.  If it was easy, people would be more resilient, and we all see how they are not.

But I am.  I have nearly perfected resiliency, despite my best efforts to avoid it.  But hey, it's not a bad skill to have.

So I've got that.

How to accept online dating rejection

I just had yet another exchange.

A message or two back and forth, and red flags come up.  I send a "You seem like a great guy but we're not a match - I wish you all the best in finding your lady love!"

He writes back.

"wow man your picky" (sic)

"Good luck finding someone to meet your high standards"

"Why did you even bother emailing me back if you weren't interested?  What the hell is the matter with you?"
"You must be sick if you don't think I'm a catch"

"No wonder you're single if you turn down a guy like me"

"What a bitch"

....and the list goes one.

Gentlemen, when you write me these things, I'd like you to know how I feel.  I'd like you to know the effect that your words have on me.  Are you ready for this?

I feel relief.  I dodged a bullet!  I was nice to you, and you were petulant, rude, or downright abusive in return, and I think "Thank God I didn't waste any time on that jerk!"  I think "I knew something was off!"  I think "GEEEZ that guy has issues!"

Here is what I don't think:

"OH NO!  I made a mistake!" or "If only he would take me back!" or "He's right, I never should have sent him packing!"  A rude response is merely proof that I did the right thing.

***

Dating has rejection.  Let's face it, it's not easy.  And in online dating, there's tons of rejection all around.  Gentlemen, how many women do you write?  You can't seriously expect each one of them to fall for you, can you?!  And ladies, not every man who catches your eye will like you in return, either. 

***

Here are reasons I reject a man online before even talking to him:
1) He lives too far away.
2) Our religious views are different (especially if he's marked that he feels strongly about his different-than-mine viewpoint).
3) Our political views are far apart.
4) He's not fit, or I just don't find him attractive.
5) He reveals big baggage, ranging from "I'm so sick of women's drama" to "my divorce isn't final" and a whole lot more.
6)  He isn't into the outdoors.
7)  He's allergic to pets.  (I have a giant dog and a cat.  His head would likely explode if he walked in my house.)
8) He mentions wanting someone spontaneous.  (My life is not spontaneous.  My life is ridiculously scheduled, and whenever I try being spontaneous invariably things fall apart as a result, because this working single mom who owns an old house and has friends and family constantly has things on the go.)
9) He has more interest in TV than books.
10) He seems to be looking for casual hook ups.

Please notice that nowhere in there did I write "He's a douchebag" or "As a human, he's a waste of planet space."  I don't feel like that.  I'm not there to judge anyone, or to make them feel bad about themselves.  I think that there's someone for everyone, and that we're all worthy of love and respect and partnership.  When I say "We're not a fit" I mean just that: our puzzle pieces don't go together.  I don't mean "I hate you" or "You are a waste of my time."  I mean: we're not a love match.

And please notice that on my list, for most of those things, there will be someone who says "So what?!" and thinks "I'd be great with that!"  For someone else, a man with no kids who loves to be spontaneous, doesn't have or want pets, and watches TV for three hours a night is a great fit.  It just so happens that it isn't a great fit for me.

Why is this so hard for people to understand?

***

If someone ignores a message I send them, here's what I do:

ready?....

Nothing.  I do absolutely nothing.

I do not assume that it means that I lack value as a person.  I do not assume that it means that nobody will ever love me.  I do not assume that it means that he thinks I'm ugly, stupid, and boring.  I assume that there is something that isn't a fit.  I'm tall and brunette - perhaps he likes petite blondes.  I'm outspoken, and perhaps he likes quiet women.  I'm really active, and perhaps he likes more quiet evenings in.  I like to go out for dinner, but I'm not into dancing, and maybe he wants a dance partner.  Who am I to say?

But I know this: If I send someone a message and they don't write back, or they write back a polite no-thank-you response, then I think "Oh well, we're not a fit."
And then I move on.

People, this is what you do if someone rejects you online.

YOU MOVE ON!!!!

You do not insult them.  You do not tell them what they are missing by giving you up.  You do not try to make them interested.  You do not tell them that they are too picky, or that they'll be alone forever, or that they just let a good one get away.

You smile, say thank you, and MOVE ON.

***

When a man gets all freaked out that I said "no thank you" I am absolutely positively certain that he is not the kind of person I'd like to hang out with.

When I send a "no thank you" message to a man, and he writes back a warm response that wishes me well and says "thanks for getting back to me" (so often these things are ignored, because the internet rules are strangely rude) I think "I wonder if I made a mistake saying goodbye."

Think about that.  PLEASE.

***

If you go online, you're going to be rejected.  It's okay.  You'll reject others, too.  And it's okay.

Only by saying no to what does not work, will we create space in our lives to say yes to what does work.

Let's just be nice to each other as we go through it together, okay?

Thanks.  :-)