Thursday, June 27, 2013

Observing a Crazy Person

Lately, I've had a chance to sit back and watch someone lose their marbles.

Strangely, that person is me.  I am in the odd position of both watching myself vacillate from stupendous highs to ridiculous lows....all over a man I barely know.

This is worrying, because I am too old for this.  Because I am strong and confident and my relationship to a man doesn't define me.  You know the lines...

But I am definitely not my 20 year old self for several reasons, all of which I can thank my lucky stars for.

1)  I'm not acting on the crazy.
2)  See #1.
3)  I'm capable of observing my own emotional roller coaster and noticing when it doesn't make sense....and this is very new, and very helpful.

I'm narrating my craziness to myself.  It looks like this:

"Oh, look, a text from him!  He called me lovely, he told me he couldn't wait for our date....and this is AWESOME!"  I fall asleep thinking how fortunate I am.

"Oh my God.  He didn't email or text me this morning.  Maybe he's lost interest.  He probably found someone else more attractive.  Maybe he's just not that into me after all."
...but here is where my sane voice stands up and says, "Girlfriend, you are out of your mind.  Are you actually upset because you didn't hear from this man for TWELVE HOURS?!

It's not easy being crazy.

Fear and bliss

It's that crush.

I am in big trouble, because I like this guy more than I thought possible.  Barely two months, and my feelings for him are so strong, and I don't seem to have control over them.  I am overwhelmed by my feelings.

The first time he kissed me - a very chaste, sweet kiss, and not a sultry one - I shook from it.  I quivered, and the whole universe felt different.  (There have been other kisses.  That feeling hasn't gone away.)  When he holds my hand, the world stops.  When my phone buzzes with a sweet message from him, my heart jumps into my mouth.

He treats me like a lady, and is kind and considerate and honorable and good to me.

Everything I learn about him adds to these feelings; I like him more every day.

He tells me that he is blindsided by me, that I am unexpected and that he is amazed by me.  He calls me lovely.  He told me that he knew the day we met that I was someone special, that we had a connection.  He tells me that he cares about me.

I am smitten.

I find him devastatingly handsome - hot hot hot! - but it's his heart that draws me the most.  He's strong and true, smart and funny, very self disciplined.  His love for his children melts me, even though I don't see it in person (we're waiting for that, mutually agreed upon).

We became exclusive with each other nearly immediately.  I have new wisdom about myself, and I am shocked to hear myself saying clearly exactly what it is that I want.  I have found the courage to say, "I have strong feelings for you and I can not date you if you would like to date other women - I wouldn't be mad, it simply wouldn't work for me."  He smiled (shocked, perhaps?!) and said, "I haven't wanted to talk to another woman since I met you."

So, there is a great deal of bliss.  It is so easy to fall for him, and being with him makes me so happy.  I can't believe the number of times per day that I think of him, and how that feeling comes with an ache that completely fills me, a longing to be in his arms that is so strange that it hurts.

And I feel that ache a lot, because we are busy people.  Work, children, travel, commitments.  It is so hard to find time together, especially because our children are not on the same custody schedules.  He tells me that it will all come together, and I think it will.  I hope it will.

It is the hope mixed in with all of that bliss that brings me back to fear.

I am really, really vulnerable right now.

He walked in the room the first day and the walls around me - painstakingly erected, stone by stone - simply fell away.  I have occassionally scrambled to put them back up to protect myself, but he has seen that fear and talked me through it.  When he tells me what he wants, and that he wants me, I feel it so deeply that I keep walking through the fear.

Bryan would always say one thing and do another.  I've got big baggage around that, and I resent that baggage immensely.  I have had to own this baggage, and now I'm monitoring it closely to make sure it's not ruling me.  When I don't get a message from Luke for twelve hours, I have to fight back a feeling of panic that I've imagined all of this, that he's too good to be true, that it's all going to disappear in a flash.  I have to remind myself that he is not Bryan, that he has opened up to me, and shown me in every way possible that he is who he says he is and that he means every word that comes out of his mouth.

I have to breathe deeply and coach myself not to run away out of the fear of everything that I'm feeling.

I also have to fight the feeling to run to wherever he is and just beg him to hold me in his arms.  There is nowhere else I want to be, and though there is a bit of spice in that, it's mostly sweetness.  I just want to be with him, to breathe him in, to see his smile.

Super cheesy, hmm?

The way I feel is filled with cliches.  But it is deep and real and honest.

I don't know what will happen next.  I am living with hope, faith, and trust that all will turn out as it should.  I pray my heart can grow without being broken.  He could break me with a word, but he is kind, and I am trying to trust that if it ends it will be for good reason and not unkindness.

I am fearful to say out loud what I hope for.

There are no signs of it ending soon.


On my forty-third birthday I went to the ocean and spoke out loud to God.  I asked for the man of my dreams to appear in my life - someone who would love me utterly and completely and passionately, who was kind and smart and attractive, who would inspire my respect.  I came home and wrote a two page list about what that man would be like.

Thank you thank you thankyouthankyouthankyou.  I am overwhelmed by gratitude for meeting someone like Luke, for feeling his arms around, for trusting his integrity.  Is he that man, the one I prayed for?

I am a lucky woman.