Wednesday, May 15, 2013


I haven't had a crush like this since....

I don't know if I've ever had a crush quite like this.

I have been talking - first on OkCupid, now on email, text, and one in-person date - with "Luke" every day for three weeks at least once a day, sometimes more.

Frankly, it's a little scary.  My feelings for him seem disproportionate to the amount of time we've spent face to face, and I have a hard time interpreting that.  Is it because I'm certifiably crazy?  Is this my rebound relationship, where I put all of my pent up energy?  Is this just a nice guy and I'm so hungry for the real thing that I'm imagining it?  Or is this my soul mate, my magical realigning of the universe?

He's kind, smart, and he somehow manages to let his feelings about me be known without being clingy or making me feel suffocated.  Our interests align (with some differences, of course, but lots of important overlap), our values align, he's a professional, he lives close (enough) by, he's a devoted father to kids close to Katherine's age, he's close to my age, he's gentlemanly, he's thoughtful....

I can not find red flags.

Thoughts of him fly through my head a hundred times a day, and it takes everything I have to be productive at work, to be the mother I want to be, to care for the house.

We have opposite custody schedules, so it has been difficult (to say the least) getting together, plus I've been out of town a bit and so has he.  Dating in one's 40s, with professional careers and children to care for, is substantially different than anything I've experienced before, and it's challenging just to get it off the ground, even when the desire is there!

Speaking of desire.....  My libido is back, and I fear that in a first kiss I may spontaneously combust.  I will have to remember that I'm a lady and that I don't REALLY know him, or I may do things not mentionable here.

But I'm scared.

I'm scared of how big my feelings are, and I'm scared that I'll miss red flags, and I'm scared that all of these big feelings can lead to some pretty big pain if it goes south.  With every other date I've kept a certain amount of emotional distance, so in the two times I felt rejected, it was more the sting of the insult than anything else: I haven't felt any depth of feeling for anyone until now.

And then there's the idea that I will need to face my fears regarding sex and my body.  It's hard for anyone reentering the dating scene after a 20 year hiatus to reveal their new body, and I am no different.  Still, I have a relatively strong sense of self, and I think I'm okay with that.  Where I struggle is that as a breast cancer survivor, I have 48 inches of scars over my chest and back, my breasts are fake and have no feeling in them, and worst of all, I have tattoo nipples but not real ones.  I fear his repulsion, I fear that in a moment that is supposed to be playful and intimate and hot, I might cry from nerves and fear.

So - I have some feelings of elation with my crush, and I also have fear.

Only time will tell how this will play out!

Thursday, May 9, 2013


I am not quite sure what to think.

Yesterday I had my date.  He looks like his pictures (did it just get hotter in here?!), and he was very polished and put together.  I wore an outfit that I feel good in, and felt my best.

It was a bit awkward at first.  Is there any way around that on a first date that is also an introduction?  But still, he was kind and smart, and presented himself in person the same way he did online.

We talked too much about exes - a red flag?

But at the end, he asked me if I'd like to go out again, and I said yes.  I think we were both shy, and that's refreshing.  He has every reason to be cocky, but he isn't, and that is incredibly attractive.

Later in the day, he sent me his phone number and email, and told me how much he'd enjoyed our time together.


Who knows what will happen next - I don't know him well, I can't read his intentions, and I'm not sure what he wants out of dating.  I have had canceled dates before, and things do happen... plus, our schedules don't align well right now and so I'm not even sure when the next time we are mutually available is, but I'm thinking two weeks.  I will need to learn patience!

But I'm also enjoying myself.  Getting nightly messages from an attractive, kind, intelligent man who shares my values, is a family's lovely.  He remembers what I tell him, asks me questions, shares things about his life.  If I had to guess, I'd say he has a good heart.

This is a nice change of pace.  I will not freak out and do cartwheels just yet....but I intend to enjoy myself, just in a quieter, slower fashion than I'm used to.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Mood Swings

Tomorrow I'm going on a date, and it's the first time I have actually been truly excited to meet someone from OkCupid.  We've been talking for about two weeks, and he's warm, kind, smart, attentive, independent.  He's a father, a professional, a traveler, a reader.  Oh, yes, and super attractive.

Sometimes it seems like he is in my mind, reading my thoughts so that he can say just the perfect thing.  He gives me attention, but not so much that I think he's clingy.  He tells me about himself, but not so much that I feel like I know everything.

It feels amazing.

I've found myself falling down the rabbit hole, trying to be reasonable but also getting lost in romantic fantasies.

As our date approaches - he chose a wonderful restaurant, and we're having lunch because that is what fit into our schedules - I am vacillating between two extremes: either he is my soulmate or he is a player and I should cancel.

I am fully aware of how ridiculous this type of thinking, on either extreme, is.  And I'm aware that it's not him, it's me.

It'll be good, or it won't.  Until then, I'm just trying to keep perspective.  And I'm failing at that!  I think my "oh maybe he's talking to 20 women on OkCupid just like he's talking to me" is code for "I feel insecure and what if he doesn't like me?"

Tomorrow I will learn more.  If the date is a total failure, as sometimes happens, I will just remind myself that it is so absolutely wonderful to have this feeling again - a feeling I haven't had before, or at least not in 20 years.  True excitement to go on a date, and some kind of connection beyond physical chemistry.

Deep breaths!

Wednesday, May 1, 2013


The beauty of blogging anonymously is that I don't have to worry about my mother reading this.  Or my daughter.  Or any future dates.

So - let's talk about sex, shall we?

It's been a while.  As a matter of fact, it's been such a long while that I can no longer remember how long it has been.  I asked for a divorce two years ago, and it had been a while before that, too.

During my marriage, his disinterest in sex - coupled with telling me that he actually WAS interested in sex with me, and the fact that I discovered a porn habit - was incredibly painful.  The stereotype says that men want it more than women, and I think that made me feel deficient.  Our sex life doesn't factor into the long list of what I tell myself about why our marriage fell apart, but it was a problem, and at least a symptom of our problems, if not one of the causes.  If I didn't initiate sex, we'd go months without it.

And here's a funny one: When I was giving birth to our daughter, who was conceived the conventional way, my OB said "Wait a minute, your hymen is in the way...." This snapped me out of my breathing exercises with a "WHAT?"  Apparently, my hymen was tough, and it had never been broken, and it created a barrier that my baby couldn't pass through.  In order to give birth, the doctor had to cut it.  How weird is that?

Which leads to how I feel today: virginal.

Despite the fact that I've had lovers and a husband, it has been so long since I had sex that I can barely remember it.  And what's more, the body that I had with previous lovers is all but gone: this new body has not only aged almost two decades since the last time I took on a new lover (the last one being my husband, and we started sleeping together in 1995, when he DID seem to like having sex with me), but I've also given birth since then.

Oh, yes, and I've had breast cancer since then.

Breast cancer is not sexy, and the marks it has left on my body aren't sexy, either.  I have a ridiculous amount of scars - measurable in feet, not inches - across my chest and back.  Gone are my pretty breasts (it seems vain, but how I miss my pretty, perpetually perk breasts!), replaced by strange silicone ones that are cool to the touch, far too round, and have no feeling in them.

And here's a little overshare: I don't have nipples.  I had double mastectomies with flap/implant reconstruction, and we tried to do new nipples twice, but both times they "failed" which is medical-speak for disgusting things which I will not mention here.  In place of nipples, where there were once perpetual headlights on my chest (a source of embarrassment when I was younger), are now just tattoos like targets: a darker circle inside a lighter circle, sort of resembling a nipple.  To say I miss the headlights is an understatement - I didn't appreciate them nearly enough when I had them.

So, this "new" body of mine has only seen one man, and he was one who knew me "before."  I could pretend to myself that Bryan knew the old me, so he would remember that when he saw the new me.  Given that, unlike Cuckoo Momma, I don't have any lovers that seem worth revisiting, the next time I reveal myself to a man, he will see only the scarred version of me, and not my youthful, healthy, perky, nippled self.

Inside me, there is a lusty woman who is proud of her sensuality, eager to get back into the sack with a handsome man.  I'm proud of the way I managed my cancer, proud of the hard work I did to get back my life, proud of my strong legs and of the way I can hold plank for over a minute now.

But I also feel like a scared virgin - what will it be like?  Will I cry?  Will he think I'm beautiful, or will he be repulsed? Is it REALLY like riding a bicycle?  (It had better be better!)  Am I ready?


Yes, I'm back on the dating scene.  No, I haven't met anyone who has made me consider, even for a minute, getting into bed.  I actually canceled a first date today - just wasn't feeling it.  I am having some interesting online chats (no, not that kind.....all very chaste!) with an intriguing gentleman, but I know all too well that online chemistry may not translate to in person, and we're still trying to schedule our first date (around our parenting schedules, which conflict).  Perhaps there will not even be a first date if we can't figure out the schedules.

But spring is in the air.  Birds do it, bees do it....and I remember just enough to know that I used to like it, a lot.

But until then, whenever that may be, I'm feeling virginal.

I will say this, though. Whoever "he" may be, the one who makes me want to change this state, risk vulnerability, and make some magic, well, I'll warn him now: he'd better be taking his vitamins.  I have some catching up to do!