Monday, October 7, 2013

Plenty of Fish versus OkCupid, Part II

A while back I wrote a post comparing the free online dating websites Plenty of Fish (POF) and OkCupid, and I'm coming back today to revise what I wrote.

Plenty of Fish is a much bigger website, with a lot more people on it.  In theory, this is a good thing, because with so many users, surely there will be one who suits me?  I was very excited to see my messages piling up, and to get chosen through their "Wants to Meet You" feature.  (The feature doesn't really mean someone wants to meet me/you.  It means they think you're hot, based on your pictures, but doesn't mean that they've even looked at your written profile, or that they have any intention of contacting you.)  In about two months, I received over 300 "Wants to Meet You" suggestions, and pages and pages of messages.  (Shoot, I just deleted my account, and I forgot to count them before writing this post.  I'd estimate at least 100 messages - they came in ten a day at first, and then slowed down after the pool of users had checked me out, so that in the past few weeks I was getting maybe two to four per day on average.)

The problem is - the user group on POF isn't at all what I'm seeking.  The average user contacting me had completed high school and held a blue collar job.  (This sounds snottier than I'd like.  I'm just over-educated, and I really value education, and I want to share that with a partner.)    Additionally, the average person contacting me didn't share my interests or lifestyle.  (For example, I love to read more than watch TV, and my outdoor time is spent hiking not SUVing.)  Hundreds of users looking at me, tons of messages....and I just couldn't get excited.  I went on a nice handful of dates that weren't all that interesting, with nobody I'd consider meeting for a second date.  Good guys, but not my guys.  I had a few better matches that lived 50-75 miles from me, and I've got to be honest and say that just isn't going to happen.  Drive three hours round trip for a coffee date?!  No thank you.

OkCupid has a much smaller (by comparison) pool of users, but they appear to cater to a different demographic, and if I had to guess, I'd say that they have a higher average level of education in their users.  Additionally, the search features on OkCupid are better: I can search for users of a particular type, including education, whether they have kids (I'm interested in dating single dads, given my single mom status), and distance.  (OkCupid lets you search on distance, and their search parameters allow a much tighter circle.)

On OkCupid I get some highly inappropriate messages - like a 22 year old who lives 3000 miles away - but I just ignore those, as they're a small percentage of the total messages I receive.  After the initial rush of messages upon signing up, the deluge went down to more like a little stream, and I receive anywhere from zero to ten messages per day, averaging probably two messages per day.  (It seems that there is a weekly cycle: at the beginning of the week through Thursday, I get the most messages, and then barely a trickle on Friday/Saturday/Sunday.  Makes sense to me, actually.)  The thing is, most of these messages are from "suitable" users.  That is, they are (on average) from men around my age who value some of the same things that I do and share some of the same interests.

OkCupid has a ratings system which I find sort of offensive, but also helpful.  If I rate a user highly (four or five out of five stars), they get a message saying "Pollyanna likes you - go check her out!"  If we rate each other highly, we each get a message saying "You chose each other!"  That message is how Luke and I first "met".  Then, it was up to us to contact one another (and Luke sent me a message, and the rest is history.)  As a woman, I've decided that I really like assertive guys, and I don't want to be the one leading them - I wait for them to send me the first message most of the time.  However, giving a nice rating is a way to smile from across the room - if he notices my smile and likes it, he'll come over.  If I rate a man well, then he rates me well, and then he doesn't do anything about it, then he's not assertive enough for me, and I shrug it off.  (I know, guys, you'd like the women to ask you out more often.  Sorry, I can't help.)

This week I'm engaged in two conversations on OkCupid that are interesting to me, and I've got a date lined up for next week with one of them.  Both gentlemen are educated professionals, dads, fit, and share interests.  Both know the difference between "your" and "you're".  Neither of them says things like "u r hot" and both seem confident.  The second gentleman is from the area but living in Europe, moving back here in a few months, and I've realized that I don't want to keep talking to him right now because I don't have months worth of conversation with a stranger on my "to do" list, recognizing that we might meet and really find it's not a connection.

There are a lot of the same users on OkCupid that were there when I started, and that's a bit depressing....for them, and for me.  It's a much smaller user pool, so I see the same people over and over, and it's only the new users who seem interesting now.

That's another difference between OkCupid and POF:  On OkCupid, every time I click on someone, they can see that I clicked on them.  On POF, I could only see the first time someone clicked on me.  If I'm interested in a man, I might click on him several times - like flirting across a room.  On POF, it's more like passing in the street, never to see one another again.  I like the OkCupid method better.

And this is how it goes.  My date next week looks promising, actually, though I certainly wouldn't make a bet on it.  But at least once a week on OkCupid, someone catches my eye and holds my attention for a bit of conversation, and sometimes those conversations lead to dates.

Bottom line?  I recommend signing up for both sites yourself, just to try - neither of them is difficult to use, and since they are free there is no problem there.  I actually saw a lot of people on both sites, so there is some overlap.  When I signed up for POF, I felt more popular than I'd ever been in my whole life, and that was certainly fun, and worth it.  In the end, though, I want quality, not quantity, and I think that OkCupid is the better bet.  Ultimately, after two months on POF, and nearly a year on OkCupid (WHAT?!), I just deleted my POF account.  I'll stay on OkCupid for now, until I throw up my hands in frustration, meet someone there, or meet someone in real life.

*****

What are your online dating experiences?  Did you prefer POF, OkCupid, or something else?  I'd love to hear your stories!

46 comments:

  1. Thanks for these reviews. I was thinking about joining a new dating website. My best friend is a member of almost every online dating site and has been trying to get me to join one for years. I am so busy with work and school and it makes it difficult to find anyone. Wish me luck!

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  2. Ok Cupid does NOT have a better dating "pool". I find it a lot less effective and slower. I am not sure how you look or what is on your profile? But I get plenty of messages from educated, professional men on POF. Actually, I just received on a message on OK Cupid from a guy I originally started talking to on POF. So there you go. And no he is NOT educated. And was one of only a few messages I have received on Ok Cupid. However, I do have a date tonight with a successful, educated man I met off of POF. So do not believe everything you read people. I have yet to see OK Cupid produce better. I have gone out with surgeons, business owners ect ALL from POF. And they were respectful and decent.

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    1. Well, if you have gone out with all these "educated men" and you are still looking, obviously there is something wrong or someone is just messing around.
      For the tastes there are flavors; so people are smart enough to know who is a potential candidate according to what they are looking for, no matter which website they currently use. I am a very smart, independent professional and educated person, and I don't use either of those. Fun article to read though...

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    2. anon - not nice. nothing or everything is obvious. every woman is still looking

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    3. I'm a 50 year old professional male with a Graduate Degree who has started on-line dating recently. I have profiles on both POF and OKC. I think I will be dropping POF.

      OKCupid kind of forces users to have longer profiles. It also let's users add comments to its many questions. I find that both of these help to give an insight into a person's personality.

      Of course, other professional men might not like spending time reading through a long profile and list of questions and would prefer POF.

      My experience has been that I get more messages on OKCupid than I do on POF. Which I interpret to mean that my writing is more attractive than my looks.

      Maybe good advice is to try both and stick with the site that produces the best quality results for you.

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  3. Lauren, I do wish you luck. :-)

    Anonymous, I wonder if different geographical areas draw different results on dating websites? My photos and profile were essentially the same on each site, and I definitely found a difference between the average user on each site. That said, I did go out with some professional, educated men from POF, I just found them fewer and further between than on OkCupid. I'd say that on POF 90% of the men who contacted me were outside the basics of what I was looking for, and on OkCupid maybe it's 50%. I dropped POF and went back to OkCupid just today, and one of the first people to contact me was a 22 year old boy....good grief. It's certainly hit and miss, neither system is perfect, but ultimately I liked OkCupid better.

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  4. *Facepalms* Degrees, masters etc, are all child's-play in this day and age. And do not give you merit to look down one's nose.

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    1. The point the OP was making was that education is a "screen"; a "necessary" but "not sufficient"condition, if you will. If you are an intellectual, then this is a perfectly legitimate consideration and is not "snobbish". The topics such a person would want to discuss are simply not in the ken of an individual possessing only a hs degree

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    2. I would wonder what kinds of topics those would be, that the educated of the world are secretly discussing behind the unwashed hordes' backs.

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    3. @InnerBoyka: Oh really? Educated topics are not in the ken of an individual possessing only a high school degree? Who says someone with a high school degree can't discuss Voltaire, Eliott Wave Theory, assembly language, or Mesoamerican history? Furthermore, equating success with degrees is ridiculous. Neither of the two richest men in America have any degrees. To be someone who constructs their own pedestal from their collection of degrees must be a very sad state of existence, and I can't really understand the motive for doing it. Perhaps you have no pragmatic qualities, and so it is a last resort to save your self esteem? Degrees do not equal intellect. People can pay others to write a thesis for them in college. I've met more non-college intellectuals than college educated intellectuals. PollyAnna, I'll tell you why you aren't attracting men with degrees: because most of us are enlightened enough to not want to date women who judge people's intellect based on paper certificates. I, for example, have earned two college degrees, and I would never date someone with your level of hubris and false perception of intellectual superiority.

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    4. Anonymous, that was a passionate response, but a tad misguided.

      I want to date someone who values the same things I value. Pursuit of education is high on my list. Loves hiking, left-leaning politics, and physically fit are other things on that list, because I value those things. There may be exceptions to the rule, but I think it's important to know what we value, and what attracts us to another.

      I will agree with you that degrees do not equal intellect. I disagree with plenty of educated individuals, and I disagree with you, despite your degrees. Oh well, to each their own. I hope that you find what you're looking for, whatever that may be.

      PS I have been attracting men with degrees. I've also given up online dating. ;-)

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  5. You should read my post "Online Dating Makes Me Shallow."

    I'm not looking down my nose, I want someone with similar values who shares interests etc. I happen to be a big fan of higher education and have a nice little collection of degrees - I'm not looking down at those who don't have them, but I *am* trying to find a good fit.

    For what it's worth, Luke didn't complete college, though he had a good professional career, and I liked him a lot and didn't mind that.

    But in general? I want an educated guy. And if it's a turnoff that I'm into education, then he's not the guy for me anyway.

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    1. A nice collection of degrees? Seriously? Are you rich or does your company just do tuition reimbursement? You do realize that not everyone is in the same life situation as you and they might of loved to have a "nice collection of degrees" but they probably cant afford that because they were not offered the same opportunities you were through work and scholarship. And if you took out loans to pay for it all....can I ask why? That seems kind of silly.

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    2. Robert, I worked 40-60 hours per week to put myself through undergraduate (the company did tuition reimbursement but in order to get it and also pay for my own rent I worked the minimum 30 hours per week to qualify by doing menial work that paid poorly, and then did internships there on top of that), then saved money to put myself through a post-bac and then a masters after I'd worked a few years. I graduated exhausted but debt free.

      I do not expect everyone to be in the same situation I am - that would be silly. I want someone who values education, as I do, and it would be silly to apologize for that. I busted my rear end to be the first woman in my family to go to college, the first to graduate, the first to get a masters. My parents couldn't and wouldn't help. I valued education enough to do it anyway.

      I'd love to go back for a doctorate but I can't afford it. C'est la vie!

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    3. PollyAnna, you are perfectly entitled to want what you want. I'm willing to bet that each of your critics have their preferences as well, otherwise they would have already accepted anything/anyone and not still be looking.

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    4. Pollyanna,

      I agree completely with your assertion. Having higher education is an interest like any other that involves the investment of time, passion, energy, and money. If you had spent your energy on a sailboat instead, and you spend every weekend on that sailboat because sailing is your life passion, dating someone who can't stand being on the water is probably a waste of time. The same goes for dating someone that doesn't have the same interest in higher education. I know what it takes to give up evenings and weekends and material wants to pursue one or more degrees. If another person chose a different route, it was likely because to them higher was not worth the sacrifice. Thus, our views would probably be very different, and in all likelihood we would have little in common.

      I will also add that having a degree or degrees does not make me better than anyone else. I certainly do not look down or disparage those without college degrees. And as you stated about your one date, I have total respect for those that seek out ventures other than higher education, but are nonetheless self-educated.

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  6. Just from the way the two sites are structured, it's obvious that your education thesis is correct. POF buries the essays under more shallow things. The very first thing you see, after the username and tagline, is "smoking status." It takes FOREVER to get to the "essays," which on POF are brief as can be, which pushes them to be more and more generic.

    OKC invites users to write about themselves and uses its "questions" algorithm to make pretty damn accurate predictions about whether you'll match. Its userbase might be smaller because people who are unwilling or incapable of expressing themselves through writing will self-select toward someplace else.

    POF looks like old Myspace. There's a reason Facebook pretty much put them out of business.

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    1. A thoughtful response - and I tend to agree with you! Thanks for stopping in.

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  7. Match is better than both of them for serious relationships. I'm on all three.

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  8. Hi PollyAnna

    Im not a fan of POF at all, sadly I find all the ladies on there uneducated and talk in Txt Speek without paragraphs.. (WHAT).

    Like yourself though, I prefer OkCupid, of course theres going to be a few strange folks, but as a man, it can be quite tough on a dating site.
    I decided to join Cupid becasue after returning home from my Counselling Degree in Scotland, I find myself alone, with everyone having moved on and away.

    Being quite a relaxed, and hard working kinda guy (I have my own alternative therapies business).. I get about 2 or 3 messages a week and a few replies.. been on a few funny dates, where one lady lifted her top straight up to show me that she also exersizes by how flat her stomach is.. What the.. and another who in the myriad of chat about glasses and contact lenses proceeded to demonstrate by yanking her eye lid down whilst telling me how she had tried laser surgery, but had been unsuccesful due to the fact that she blinked at the wrong time and the laser had burnt a hole in her eye ball... Woooo..

    But by and large, the ladies are nice and friendly.. I have also spoken to a few who are open and sympathetic to my spiritual, but non-religious lifestyle.. so thats quite a nice.

    To me, the secret to getting responses is, READ the persons profile, not her boobs and figure, talk about things you BOTH could do together and when you message someone.. keep your 1st 2 or 3 intros short but ask questions.. I see you enjoy reading, What books do you read?, whose your favorite Author?. Get out of ME ME and into You and Me.

    Thanks for the great Blog.
    Colin :)

    If your interested in other people, theyll be interested in you.

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    1. Colin, thanks for your response. It sounds like your approach and mine are pretty similar, and on behalf of ladies everywhere, I thank you for actually reading the profiles. If a gentleman sends me a message like the one you're indicating, I always reply, because if he has taken the time to be thoughtful it's the least I can do in return.

      I'm taking a dating break right now, but I hope you find what you're looking for. I wish you all the best!

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  9. Woman with super high expectations usually die alone, or get cheated on.

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  10. Terrence, women with low expectations get divorced. :-) I'd rather have high expectations and die alone than reduce myself in the way I did in my marriage.

    I wish you well!

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    1. Women with high expectations get divorced too.... :))

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  11. Girrl more power to ya. Half these guys probably have shitty appearance standards. Requiring long hair, flat stomachs, and fair skin. You have a legitimate preference with legitimate reasons (and a little bit of flexibility depending on the situation, which I totally commend) and people are giving you shit? Don't ever stress it. People are allowed to have high expectations, I get it. But men get a lot less crap for wanting cute girls then I've seen you get for wanting someone who values education like you do. I loved your article it really helped me decide whether to sign up for POF. <3

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  12. Okcupid stealth bans users for frivolous matters and the users can do stealth ignores. The questions on the site feature some dubiously conceited moral judgements. All these facts contribute to the user base being a very manipulative cesspool. The majority of daters are those with high school education and blue collar experience this is not so statistically with Okcupid because its user base is filled with LIARS.

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  13. I can't agree with the whole thing about needing men to be "assertive". Women say things like that, but they are rarely actually assertive themselves. Just stand back and wait for men to do all the work. Then if he doesn't, somehow he's not being assertive?
    Or is it that you think men should be assertive, but women shouldn't. And if so, why not? are women not qualified enough to make the same decisions men make when it comes to dating?

    I don't believe so, and I don't think most women believe so either. I believe women simply don't feel the need to initiate anything with the opposite sex since the pressure always gravitate backs towards men at the end of the day. I realize that's "just the way it is" for now, but don't make it out to be this whole thing about assertiveness when you stated that you get up to 10 messages per day while most men don't get 10 messages on a good month, if they get messages at all.

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  14. My assertiveness comment comes from experience. I have plenty of experience, and I've initiated conversations, dates, kisses, and the rest... but I've noticed that it rarely gets me what I want. I really like assertive guys, and I don't always want to be in charge. I was married to a passive man - my own mistake - and it did not serve me well. So, in the future, I want to be with a more assertive man, and one way to filter that is that he needs to pursue me a little.

    I'm used to doing ALL the work in a relationship. I won't do that any more, and this is one way of making certain that I don't repeat old mistakes.

    It's true, I don't "need" to pursue. But if I have the option to be pursued, and it's what I choose and it works for me....then it works. And if a man is waiting for me to pursue him, well, it probably isn't a match, and I'm okay with that. :-)

    Thanks for commenting, and for the food for thought.

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  15. Open minded test of intellectual integrity #1:
    FUUUUUUUCCCKKC FUCK FUCK FUUUUUCK

    If you see this post it means everyone has a fair say here. And by that I mean none of the aforementioned literature has been pigeonholed by an overcompensating schmuck loser.

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  16. I somehow fail to see the connection between you screaming (all caps) profanity and my intellectual integrity, but hey, if it makes you happy. No, not everyone has a fair say here. It's my blog and if I found something truly offensive (racism, for example) I'd remove it.

    My way of dating may not work for you, but I doubt this makes me an overcompensating schmuck loser. It may mean that my boundaries and yours don't align, however, and that's okay.

    An (interesting?) side note: my desire to be pursued is NOT the same as having a desire for someone else to do "all the work." I am the kind of friend who bends over backwards for people in my life: the first to show up with food, a comforting ear, a pair of strong arms on moving day. I like listening as much as I like talking (people are interesting!), and I hold myself to a high standard of integrity, compassion, kindness. I hate bitchy behavior in any form (it's not assertiveness, it's mean girl behavior, and it's unattractive in anyone).

    But I like it if a man is the one to say, "You've caught my eye and I'd like to ask you on a date," and I like it when he is the first to initiate a kiss or a second date. The men I like don't seem to take any issue with that.

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  17. I stumbled upon this post and your previous post tonight and just had to smile to myself because you pretty much nailed it on the head about the differences between the sites. While many people on here want to attack you, I think that's a bit immature. Personally, I'm just going to stick with the topic on hand.
    I have been on and off POF for almost a year and a half. I've been on and off OK Cupid for about nine months.
    When you get on POF it can be empowering. I've had many women tell me that who I friended off POF. But, yet, in the end, I think the enormous pool of people to choose from on POF is downgraded by it's lack of quality. I've been on many dates on POF. I've been on many dates on OK Cupid. Not as many as POF. But while I have not met the woman of my dreams the dates I've had off OKC were far better and more entertaining. Most of the dates I remember off POF were bad. VERY BAD.
    I think OKC also presents a more genuine picture of a person. There's enough questions to answer that you can figure people out better. In POF, you only have to type in about 50 words to get a profile up.
    I have an entertaining story about POF and just how perception can be skewed. A year ago, I was getting fed up with the Web site. I had been played by several women. I'm a professional writer, so I decided I would put up a joke profile. Something completely ridiculous and off the wall. I didn't lie in my profile, but I embellished some of my traits and past and made myself sound like a bad boy. I did this at midnight, laughed to myself and went to bed. But then the very next day something happened that stunned me and hadn't happened to that point. My sincere, sweet profile that talked about how I was intelligent and thougtful barely got any feedback. The very next day I had three women contact me. I had never received a message from a woman before that point. Within a week I had 7 women message me. I got more responses back than I ever did with my other profile. I ended it after a month because I figured out quickly these weren't women that I would date. But it was still laughable to me.
    I recently deleted my POF profile and don't plan to go back. I'm considering putting another profile on Ok Cupid to give it another shot. But at the same time, I'm now just going to start manning up and talking to women the old fashioned way. The fact is, you called it man mall shopping earlier and it is. That's why I'm pretty much fed up with any dating sites any more. I met my ex wife on Yahoo Personals 14 years ago and we were married 10 years. But a lot of things have changed since then. Back then there were no photos so you had to get to know the person. It seems like now both sides just want to "shop" and not spend the time to really get to know someone. The grass is greener on the other side of the hill for most online shoppers it appears. I've had too many instances of talking to women who I think I connected with. Then they disappear. Then I see them back on months later, messaging me about how they dated a jerk who was so bad to them and hey we could still be friends.
    But that ship sailed. And I think personal sites are sailing too out of my life.

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  18. I've been on match.com, POF and OkCupid for about a week each. I've paid the appropriate fees to get all the features... so, a quick summary of my experiences so far. Keep in mind I'm a fairly average looking guy, although very tall and I'm half Asian and 43, which makes dating online a bit of a challenge.

    28 messages so far on Match, I'm batting about 80% responses to my messages and I've got a pretty good dialog going on with a nice woman... although I'm beginning to think she want's to be a permanent pen-pal.

    POF.... nothing, nada, zero, zilch. Same profile, same pictures. Very few views and the ones I do have are woman that look like crack whores.

    OkCupid - about the same results as match.com and I've got a date with one of the women tomorrow night. We've exchanged numbers, talked on the phone and even passed on current selfies (lol).

    Anyhow, POF really is rotten for men. I've put fairly minimal effort into all three sites considering that I've often read that many men send hundreds of messages and receive maybe 1% back. However, I target women who are also average. I know better than to try to get a responses from the models. lol

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  19. I stumbled on your blog and like your reviews about both dating sites. I was on Plenty of Fish for years until I got burnt out with it and permanently deleted my profile. Although I've gotten a couple dates out of the site, most of the men on there were very trashy and past their prime to be partying. I do tend to gravitate towards older men, but these were guys that were looking for jailbait. It was very easy to find a friend with benefits on POF (I stayed with one for about a year and a half), but a quality relationship is really out of the question. They also don't like writing on their About Mes. I've "read" way too many profiles that say "a;lakdfakdjl;df;sk" or "Ask me". Which makes me inclined to believe that the guy is either lazy, boring, or both. And I'm past the age where I think that's cute.

    After getting out of another relationship (re: not the fwb), I decided to try okcupid because I had a couple other girlfriends who've had good results with it. I had an okcupid account years ago in college when it was still part of theSpark, and I was frequently hit on by much older guys. Admittedly, I had my reservations on it. Originally, I came in with the intention only to do the survey questions and nothing else. And I came off a little sarcastic in my profile. Not the best attitude when attracting a mate, but I was jaded with online dating (I've also tried paid sites like eharmony and match.com, with very little results).

    I was actually pleasantly surprised with Okcupid. Yes, there are the trashy guys, but there were also a good number of decent, intelligent men. And their profiles were very detailed and I've had way more interesting conversations with these guys. One guy I really hit it off with and am currently dating exclusively. I don't think I'd have found him on POF, that's for sure.

    The one thing I hate about online dating (and this goes for all the dating sites, paid or not) is that there are so many men who live out of the area and will message me. I'm not sure if women do this, but I've never looked for guys outside of where I live as I'm not interested in having a long-distance relationship or earning a sexy penpal. Makes me wonder if these guys are catfishing me or are commitment-phobic. Interestingly, I found this more common with OkCupid than with POF. Why is that?

    I know people rave about POF and have met people off it, but it was not worth it for me. :-/

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  21. I'm just starting to use OK Cupid and I really don't like it. Things like quickmatch on your phone where you're given a stack of women's pictures and then you get to flick them off into oblivion feels counter intuitive when you're trying to make a connection with people.

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  22. I recently started the whole online dating thing and wanted to thank you for your post.

    My journey started with Christian Mingle. Sadly I quickly found out that CM isn't very popular in Albuquerque. :-( While I am talking to some amazing ladies, the whole 300+ miles thing isn't working for me.
    Considering I'm looking for a relationship and not a pen pal I started using POF. (Hadn't heard about OK Cupid) While the local member base is a dramatic improvement, the profile information is dismal and the response percentage is even worse. (Defiantly could be my fault)

    I like the advice of joining both and coming to your own conclusions. I'm interested to see if the AVERAGE woman on OK Cupid is a better matches (smarter) for me than on POF.

    Good luck with all your dating endeavors and try remember this should be fun. :-)

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  23. I just found this blog - interesting comments. I'm male, well educated, mid-40s, no divorce issues/no kids, drama free and on both POF and OKC, and had been on eH and Match. I gave up on eH and Match because I honestly didn't find the clientele or message responses (frequency) to be that much different than POF or OKC. If I need to be in this for the long haul in order to find someone (and it is starting to look that way), it is just easier for me to hang on longer without a monthly bill coming from eH or Match.

    I have run into the same problem as the others have mentioned here - the percentage of replies back that I get from the women I write to is very small - maybe 1% - perhaps 2%? I wish I had known that before I joined these sites, but that's more my fault - I didn't do my homework and read blogs such as this one. My bad.

    I like both sites, and have found nice women on both POF and OKC, but as I mentioned in the above paragraphs, very hard to get any replies. But I think we know why that is, right? - if a guy writes to a woman and he doesn't hear back, that means 'not interested.' So, that's where I am at this point - writing to women who are not interested in me. Look at that - just like in 'real life'! :)

    One woman replied back and told me she didn't want to 'settle', and would rather stay single than settle. What does that translate to for a guy like me? ["I'd rather be alone dying of starvation on a desert island than end up with a guy like you."] Okay - I appreciate your honesty. Newsflash to all you guys out there - women go for looks first, and then all the other stuff they say matters to them (hard work, honesty, dependability, humor). But looks are the first thing women look for in a man (and vice-versa). That's okay, that's just the way it is. "Chemistry."

    I did try something similar to what one of the guys mentioned up-thread: I wasn't getting any replies from the women on either OKC or POF, and then I simply changed my photo to one of a male model who works in the LA area, not too well known. I put his picture in place of mine, and the number of unsolicited messages I received on both POF and OKC skyrocketed. Even women whom I'd written to a month earlier, who still had my email stored away, they now saw this new 'great looking guy' photo attached to that email, and finally (*finally*) decided to reply back to me.... the 'new me.' The really great looking me. So, I have learned something during my time POF and OKC -

    Women like great looking guys - that's not too surprising - men like great looking women as well.

    Look at the bright side - many of these women who are looking for great looking men, many (most) are divorced already. Why? Because the last time they chose a mate, they also based it upon finding a great looking guy when they were in their late 20s. Now, they are pushing 40, divorced with two kids, and doing the exact same thing. This time around, when those women find their 'great looking guy', that will last probably about 3-5 years, and they'll be back in their mid/late-40s. But I have noticed something in the pool of women on both POF and OKC (and it is also visible on Match and eH, etc.). Women in their 40s and 50s start to look their age. They look worn out, tired, too many years of poor choices, children, husbands, problems.

    So, for all you guys out there who are not getting replies back from the women you message on POF and OKC, at least you will have the satisfaction that over the long view, the long haul, 'karma' will be at work on these women. And karma can be brutal.

    Enjoy your searches to find 'the one' - all the best to all you! :)

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  24. LMAO! I think that this last Anonymous guy who commented on October 25, 2014 at 12:37 PM just owned everyone else above him. Lol he made some pretty funny and poignant points, but don't men in their 40s+ experience this karma he describes in a similar way? Or are they immune to it at that age for some mystical reason??

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  25. Using POF and OKCupid is like saying you still use Myspace.. Its old and nobody goes there......both sites have fake profiles, the reviews you are reading are from the owners....why would an average person defend another website.....fake, fake, fake reviews..

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    1. Give us a clue then wise one. POF sucks if you have half-a-brain and use a quarter of it; OK-Cupid is certainly attracting a better class of person.

      I just wish women (in particular) would stop pretending they are any less desperate to find love than us guys.

      I've deliberately made a bluntly honest (some might call it arrogant) profile to try and keep some perspective.

      For example, BBW might think they're beautiful but the reality is they have health issues of some form that they're not facing up to. This is deeply saddening but part of the way we live now. 50 years ago women had curves; real figures and men looked trim.

      Now both genders are starting to resemble beach balls and pretend they are still worth dating.

      Move along!

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    2. I am curious about the websites the first user cites. If OkCupid is MySpace, then there are a lot of Luddites in society. After an absence, I came back to OkC, and there are tons of users from all walks of life, same as before.

      As for me being fake - funny! I wrote this post because I wished someone else had written it for me.

      Which women are pretending they are less desperate to find love then the men?! I've always wondered if it's the other way around. Interesting.

      As for BBW - while I agree with your health assessment, I don't think size is an indicator of one's value or ability to love or be loved. I choose to date people close to my own body type (fit and healthy) because that's my preference, but who am I to say who deserves love?! I only know what I'm attracted to.

      FWIW, I've been divorced a few years now, and haven't found new love. I'm fit and athletic. An acquaintance of mine who is obese got divorced a short time ago, and recently met and got engaged to a woman who appears to be the love of his life; she too is obese. I wish them every happiness. They ARE worth dating, even if I would not date someone of his body type. I'm jealous that they found one another, so well suited to each other. It's all about preference and lifestyle in the end.

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    3. The writer, like other writers on dating sites, seems too self indulged rather than addressing the topic. men can be worse, boasting of sexual conquests to a random audience. I am a 63 year old man and the process is not easy in the least, yet I continue to try. I much prefer OKC as the women seem more grounded, authentic, and down to earth. I receive responses and on occasion, a woman contacts me first. I tried POF and I detest it. I would never, under any circumstances, try it again. It is a place where mediocre women receive more attention than they ever thought possible and act accordingly. A small % of my well written messages received responses, most were ignored. However, the same ladies are on there, month after month. OKC is worth my efforts, POF is trash!

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  26. OkCupid and Match are a joke.

    Guys, do not waste your time with those sites other than to run phony profiles of other guys making at least three times the average income for your area. This will keep the whimsical ego inflated Pollyanna's looking for top dollar glued to them and off PlentyOfFish.

    Come on highly learned Miss Pollyanna, stand up and admit it. I find it hard to believe someone as experienced and intelligent as you are hasn't figured it out. And tell me, what is the difference between income and wealth? In my case, I have managed to accumulate significantly more than average of the later from only slightly more than average of the former. I've never been married, had any kids, am well traveled with my carry on baggage, am taller than average, and at age 58 look relatively young for my age. I run the same profile on POF as on match and Cupid with the only difference being omission of income because the creator PlentyOfFish was wise enough to not to allow it.

    People like you on match and Cupid rarely give me the time of day but when I go fishing it's all I can do to pull in the net with less than 1/2 the search radius. A buddy of mine feels the same way. Keep in mind that I'm not a bad boy, have an engineering degree, and well over 250 credit hours from studying a wide variety of subjects from business to life science. Wake up, quit deceiving yourself before you end up believing your own lies. Unless most of you girls want to remain single, please realize that 80% of you seeking the top 20% won't work. Again, I find it hard to believe that as honest and intelligent as you are, you haven't caught on. When and if you learn to tell the truth, I wish you good luck.

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  27. Captain, here's the truth. I prefer it when men leave the income line blank, and I leave mine blank, too. It's none of my business how much money you, or they, make, and I don't really like it when people put down their income. Honestly, the higher the income, the more I think "oh you showoff, and attracting women by your income is shallow" and if it's too low I think "oh that's sad" and there is just no winning. I try to ignore income and look at other compatibility instead. And I don't post my income, because it's none of your business, either. I'm looking for a date, not a mortgage!

    I don't know what "people like me" are like, but I am well aware that I might end up alone. After dozens of dates with dozens of people, it sounds preferable to being with a mismatched partner.

    And if "people like me" means women who ignore you on Cupid: well, I might ignore you, but not because of how you look or your income. I would ignore you because I don't want to be with a man who has never been married or (more importantly to me) doesn't have kids. And as much as I love travel - and have traveled extensively myself - these days if someone is really into travel and wants someone to join them, I know that I'm not in that mode: I work, have a child, and can't drop everything for Paris. Income has nothing to do with it. None of the qualities you name about yourself are terrible, they're just not a match for me. (I am well aware you weren't courting me, but the two of us is a good example.)

    I'm glad you chimed in, because the income discussion is worth having. I wish you all the best, and hope that you net the fish you're seeking.

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  28. Part of it isn't the sites I join, it's me. It really is. I am overweight and disabled, a devout Christian, and have no income aside from a little SSI though I also volunteer and read a lot. I have been to college, though aside from some subbing have never put my degree to use. I am looking for a devout Christian--probably overweight and disabled--who is intelligent and has many interests regardless of formal education. As long as he has a little income, ($8000-10,000 per year) I don't consider myself to be a gold-digger. I am in my early 40's too, and all the men want 20 year-old super models. Those men deserve to be taken advantage of when it comes to money. Lust and greed are both materialistic.

    Anyhow, sorry about my digression. Because I fall into such a narrow category I doubt I will ever find anyone I can stand to spend the rest of my life with.

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  29. The funny thing is that I was matched up with two friends on OKCupid. We had high compatibility. I guess because we share interests and viewpoints, and truth be told, I had thought about dating them much earlier in our friendship but then when I got to know them I didn't think we were that strong of match for each other than interests and viewpoints. I did meet an ex girlfriend on OKCUpid and we lasted a year. The relationship did start to unravel after 6 months because of her own doing. I haven't tried POF but my friend got married from a guy she met on there. So keep searching!

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