A while back I wrote a post comparing the free online dating websites Plenty of Fish (POF) and OkCupid, and I'm coming back today to revise what I wrote.
Plenty of Fish is a much bigger website, with a lot more people on it. In theory, this is a good thing, because with so many users, surely there will be one who suits me? I was very excited to see my messages piling up, and to get chosen through their "Wants to Meet You" feature. (The feature doesn't really mean someone wants to meet me/you. It means they think you're hot, based on your pictures, but doesn't mean that they've even looked at your written profile, or that they have any intention of contacting you.) In about two months, I received over 300 "Wants to Meet You" suggestions, and pages and pages of messages. (Shoot, I just deleted my account, and I forgot to count them before writing this post. I'd estimate at least 100 messages - they came in ten a day at first, and then slowed down after the pool of users had checked me out, so that in the past few weeks I was getting maybe two to four per day on average.)
The problem is - the user group on POF isn't at all what I'm seeking. The average user contacting me had completed high school and held a blue collar job. (This sounds snottier than I'd like. I'm just over-educated, and I really value education, and I want to share that with a partner.) Additionally, the average person contacting me didn't share my interests or lifestyle. (For example, I love to read more than watch TV, and my outdoor time is spent hiking not SUVing.) Hundreds of users looking at me, tons of messages....and I just couldn't get excited. I went on a nice handful of dates that weren't all that interesting, with nobody I'd consider meeting for a second date. Good guys, but not my guys. I had a few better matches that lived 50-75 miles from me, and I've got to be honest and say that just isn't going to happen. Drive three hours round trip for a coffee date?! No thank you.
OkCupid has a much smaller (by comparison) pool of users, but they appear to cater to a different demographic, and if I had to guess, I'd say that they have a higher average level of education in their users. Additionally, the search features on OkCupid are better: I can search for users of a particular type, including education, whether they have kids (I'm interested in dating single dads, given my single mom status), and distance. (OkCupid lets you search on distance, and their search parameters allow a much tighter circle.)
On OkCupid I get some highly inappropriate messages - like a 22 year old who lives 3000 miles away - but I just ignore those, as they're a small percentage of the total messages I receive. After the initial rush of messages upon signing up, the deluge went down to more like a little stream, and I receive anywhere from zero to ten messages per day, averaging probably two messages per day. (It seems that there is a weekly cycle: at the beginning of the week through Thursday, I get the most messages, and then barely a trickle on Friday/Saturday/Sunday. Makes sense to me, actually.) The thing is, most of these messages are from "suitable" users. That is, they are (on average) from men around my age who value some of the same things that I do and share some of the same interests.
OkCupid has a ratings system which I find sort of offensive, but also helpful. If I rate a user highly (four or five out of five stars), they get a message saying "Pollyanna likes you - go check her out!" If we rate each other highly, we each get a message saying "You chose each other!" That message is how Luke and I first "met". Then, it was up to us to contact one another (and Luke sent me a message, and the rest is history.) As a woman, I've decided that I really like assertive guys, and I don't want to be the one leading them - I wait for them to send me the first message most of the time. However, giving a nice rating is a way to smile from across the room - if he notices my smile and likes it, he'll come over. If I rate a man well, then he rates me well, and then he doesn't do anything about it, then he's not assertive enough for me, and I shrug it off. (I know, guys, you'd like the women to ask you out more often. Sorry, I can't help.)
This week I'm engaged in two conversations on OkCupid that are interesting to me, and I've got a date lined up for next week with one of them. Both gentlemen are educated professionals, dads, fit, and share interests. Both know the difference between "your" and "you're". Neither of them says things like "u r hot" and both seem confident. The second gentleman is from the area but living in Europe, moving back here in a few months, and I've realized that I don't want to keep talking to him right now because I don't have months worth of conversation with a stranger on my "to do" list, recognizing that we might meet and really find it's not a connection.
There are a lot of the same users on OkCupid that were there when I started, and that's a bit depressing....for them, and for me. It's a much smaller user pool, so I see the same people over and over, and it's only the new users who seem interesting now.
That's another difference between OkCupid and POF: On OkCupid, every time I click on someone, they can see that I clicked on them. On POF, I could only see the first time someone clicked on me. If I'm interested in a man, I might click on him several times - like flirting across a room. On POF, it's more like passing in the street, never to see one another again. I like the OkCupid method better.
And this is how it goes. My date next week looks promising, actually, though I certainly wouldn't make a bet on it. But at least once a week on OkCupid, someone catches my eye and holds my attention for a bit of conversation, and sometimes those conversations lead to dates.
Bottom line? I recommend signing up for both sites yourself, just to try - neither of them is difficult to use, and since they are free there is no problem there. I actually saw a lot of people on both sites, so there is some overlap. When I signed up for POF, I felt more popular than I'd ever been in my whole life, and that was certainly fun, and worth it. In the end, though, I want quality, not quantity, and I think that OkCupid is the better bet. Ultimately, after two months on POF, and nearly a year on OkCupid (WHAT?!), I just deleted my POF account. I'll stay on OkCupid for now, until I throw up my hands in frustration, meet someone there, or meet someone in real life.
*****
What are your online dating experiences? Did you prefer POF, OkCupid, or something else? I'd love to hear your stories!
Showing posts with label comparing dating websites. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comparing dating websites. Show all posts
Monday, October 7, 2013
Thursday, September 5, 2013
OkCupid vs. POF
I can not seem to resist the allure of online dating.
I call it Shopping at the Man Mall. At 9pm as my daughter turns out the lights in her room, I pull my laptop onto my lap as I sit in bed, and I go man shopping. "Hmmm, this one seems too short, this one too big, this one not _____ enough, but oh! maybe this one will fit?"
Shopping at the man mall is a bit like going swimsuit shopping. I'm dreaming of the beautiful vacation on white sand beaches with palm trees overhead, sun on my skin, and maybe a cabana boy delivering me a something tropical...but first, I have to go into a small room with three way mirrors that reflect the depth of my cellulite to frightening degrees. I enter the man mall full of hope, thinking, "There are hundreds of men here in my area! Surely there is one who will interest me?" but as I try them on I think "oh this isn't good at all!" and it's all I can do not to tuck my tail and run.
But the idea of that white sand beach keeps calling me back, so I keep trying for the perfect swimsuit; so the allure of the perfect mate, and so I go back to online dating.
I've tried it on and off for about a year now, and I think I've learned a few things about online dating.
First, the websites:
I'm cheap. (Okay, let's say frugal, shall we?) I chose the free sites, because, well, why not? Plus, I read an article in The New Yorker about OkCupid and how it was the hot website and just as good as the other websites that charge a substantial amount, so I thought if it was good enough for The New Yorker, it was good enough for me. Then my cousin met someone on OkCupid, and married him, bought a house together, and had a baby, so I thought, "Hey, this works!" He was her first date. I thought "Well, that sounds convenient!"
Let's just say I didn't have quite her luck on the first, second, or fifth dates. Luke was from OkCupid, and that was a mostly good experience, but finding him was a needle in a haystack (to use the cliché) and he wasn't even the right good, just the good-right-now guy.
OkCupid:
Pros include that you can look up just about ANYTHING you'd want to know about someone, including the minutia about their political views, dating style, etc. because OkCupid asks zillions of questions that you can look up on all kinds of subjects, so I found that I could look for their views on gay rights (as someone with gay friends who have kids, if someone is anti-gay-marriage I could never be with that person), on how soon they expect to have sex (I learned that almost all guys say before the third date, so that question didn't yield any true info), on whether they have kids, on whether they like dogs. The website has an algorithm that creates a match percentage, and while I found that it didn't always select the right people for me, it did rule the right people out. (Any match under 90% was probably a very poor fit for me, but I also had some 99% matches who were poor fits. Go figure.)
OkCupid seems to attract a relatively educated crowd, and if you're an education junkie like I am, that might be interesting. There was a high percentage of white collar workers.
Cons of the website include that it is possible to know too much about someone before meeting them. There were a lot of questions about sex - a LOT of questions - and so you could know exactly - and I mean exactly - what someone's sexual preferences were. First, that seems like a bit much to put out there on the internet; second, that means that things that are (in my opinion) best revealed over time and with some seduction are instead just in black and white, and that seems about as unromantic as it comes.
When I would log on in the evening, OkCupid would have maybe 150,000 users online, at the peak of usage. But after hanging out there for a few weeks, it seemed like the same people were there all the time. My chosen demographic is pretty narrow - age 40-49, educated, non-smoker - but it seemed like it didn't take much time to look at everyone in that demographic and rule a ton of people out.
Plenty of Fish:
I noticed that Luke kept popping up on OkCupid, where we first met, and it made me feel weird after we stopped dating, and I didn't want to see him there or have him see me there, so I decided to go elsewhere. When I first signed up for online dating, Plenty of Fish had a reputation as being a serious pick up joint for casual encounters (not my thing), but a few months ago they actually made changes in policy that made it difficult for people to use the site for casual encounters (including the interesting choice that a man can not email a woman pictures, because men who email women unsolicited pictures tend to go all Anthony Weiner). I figured I had nothing to lose, so I signed up.
Holy smokes.
Pros: There are a zillion active users on POF. Within the first week I had received more emails than I got in a month on OkCupid, some from interesting people. I put a note in the system that only people with photos could contact me, and the system attaches profile pictures to every email sent to me. (I have my pictures up, so it's only fair if the gentlemen do, too!) When I log in in the evening, there are usually 500,000 users online. I have set my preferences that only users within 75 miles (their smallest distance parameter) can contact me, and I continue getting messages daily from new users I've never seen before.
I've had three dates in less than three weeks, with my same "particular" standards that I had on OkCupid, but it has been much easier to find users who are interesting to me. Still difficult, but more interesting. :-) None of those dates yielded someone who I was interested in seeing again, but they were all three decent human beings, just not "my" guy(s).
Cons: The education level is much lower on POF. There is very little discussion of books, much more of TV, in the profiles I read. Maybe that won't be a con for some, but it certainly is for me. I also wish that I could tighten the distance parameters, because 75 miles away might as well be on the moon when it comes to dating - I am a busy woman, and it's hard to find a three hour chunk of time in my schedule, and at that distance I'd spend the whole time driving. (It won't happen. Not even for someone who looked "perfect" because I'd never have the chance to get to know them.)
Overall, I prefer Plenty of Fish. It has been really fun to get this level of attention, and my phone buzzes with messages MUCH MUCH more often than it ever did on OkCupid. (It's a little crazy, actually. I haven't felt this popular ever before.) In the end, it seems like a numbers game: some might get lucky, as my cousin did, and meet her dream man on her first online date, but for the rest of us, it's about the learning curve, and about meeting lots of people in order to find the one we're seeking. I feel more likely to find that person in a big crowd than I do in a small one.
This weekend I have two more dates; a coffee date that will probably be "nice" but not yield a love match, and a slightly more interesting sounding dinner date. (I'm breaking my own rule for the dinner date - I usually keep it really short on purpose, choosing coffee or happy hour. I hope I don't regret this!) And then maybe I'll back off for a while, because life is busy. But you know what? It's nice to have a choice, it's nice to be sought out, and it's nice to have an option like online dating.
Because shopping at the online Man Mall is about the only place this busy single mom goes where she could meet men. :-)
I call it Shopping at the Man Mall. At 9pm as my daughter turns out the lights in her room, I pull my laptop onto my lap as I sit in bed, and I go man shopping. "Hmmm, this one seems too short, this one too big, this one not _____ enough, but oh! maybe this one will fit?"
Shopping at the man mall is a bit like going swimsuit shopping. I'm dreaming of the beautiful vacation on white sand beaches with palm trees overhead, sun on my skin, and maybe a cabana boy delivering me a something tropical...but first, I have to go into a small room with three way mirrors that reflect the depth of my cellulite to frightening degrees. I enter the man mall full of hope, thinking, "There are hundreds of men here in my area! Surely there is one who will interest me?" but as I try them on I think "oh this isn't good at all!" and it's all I can do not to tuck my tail and run.
But the idea of that white sand beach keeps calling me back, so I keep trying for the perfect swimsuit; so the allure of the perfect mate, and so I go back to online dating.
I've tried it on and off for about a year now, and I think I've learned a few things about online dating.
First, the websites:
I'm cheap. (Okay, let's say frugal, shall we?) I chose the free sites, because, well, why not? Plus, I read an article in The New Yorker about OkCupid and how it was the hot website and just as good as the other websites that charge a substantial amount, so I thought if it was good enough for The New Yorker, it was good enough for me. Then my cousin met someone on OkCupid, and married him, bought a house together, and had a baby, so I thought, "Hey, this works!" He was her first date. I thought "Well, that sounds convenient!"
Let's just say I didn't have quite her luck on the first, second, or fifth dates. Luke was from OkCupid, and that was a mostly good experience, but finding him was a needle in a haystack (to use the cliché) and he wasn't even the right good, just the good-right-now guy.
OkCupid:
Pros include that you can look up just about ANYTHING you'd want to know about someone, including the minutia about their political views, dating style, etc. because OkCupid asks zillions of questions that you can look up on all kinds of subjects, so I found that I could look for their views on gay rights (as someone with gay friends who have kids, if someone is anti-gay-marriage I could never be with that person), on how soon they expect to have sex (I learned that almost all guys say before the third date, so that question didn't yield any true info), on whether they have kids, on whether they like dogs. The website has an algorithm that creates a match percentage, and while I found that it didn't always select the right people for me, it did rule the right people out. (Any match under 90% was probably a very poor fit for me, but I also had some 99% matches who were poor fits. Go figure.)
OkCupid seems to attract a relatively educated crowd, and if you're an education junkie like I am, that might be interesting. There was a high percentage of white collar workers.
Cons of the website include that it is possible to know too much about someone before meeting them. There were a lot of questions about sex - a LOT of questions - and so you could know exactly - and I mean exactly - what someone's sexual preferences were. First, that seems like a bit much to put out there on the internet; second, that means that things that are (in my opinion) best revealed over time and with some seduction are instead just in black and white, and that seems about as unromantic as it comes.
When I would log on in the evening, OkCupid would have maybe 150,000 users online, at the peak of usage. But after hanging out there for a few weeks, it seemed like the same people were there all the time. My chosen demographic is pretty narrow - age 40-49, educated, non-smoker - but it seemed like it didn't take much time to look at everyone in that demographic and rule a ton of people out.
Plenty of Fish:
I noticed that Luke kept popping up on OkCupid, where we first met, and it made me feel weird after we stopped dating, and I didn't want to see him there or have him see me there, so I decided to go elsewhere. When I first signed up for online dating, Plenty of Fish had a reputation as being a serious pick up joint for casual encounters (not my thing), but a few months ago they actually made changes in policy that made it difficult for people to use the site for casual encounters (including the interesting choice that a man can not email a woman pictures, because men who email women unsolicited pictures tend to go all Anthony Weiner). I figured I had nothing to lose, so I signed up.
Holy smokes.
Pros: There are a zillion active users on POF. Within the first week I had received more emails than I got in a month on OkCupid, some from interesting people. I put a note in the system that only people with photos could contact me, and the system attaches profile pictures to every email sent to me. (I have my pictures up, so it's only fair if the gentlemen do, too!) When I log in in the evening, there are usually 500,000 users online. I have set my preferences that only users within 75 miles (their smallest distance parameter) can contact me, and I continue getting messages daily from new users I've never seen before.
I've had three dates in less than three weeks, with my same "particular" standards that I had on OkCupid, but it has been much easier to find users who are interesting to me. Still difficult, but more interesting. :-) None of those dates yielded someone who I was interested in seeing again, but they were all three decent human beings, just not "my" guy(s).
Cons: The education level is much lower on POF. There is very little discussion of books, much more of TV, in the profiles I read. Maybe that won't be a con for some, but it certainly is for me. I also wish that I could tighten the distance parameters, because 75 miles away might as well be on the moon when it comes to dating - I am a busy woman, and it's hard to find a three hour chunk of time in my schedule, and at that distance I'd spend the whole time driving. (It won't happen. Not even for someone who looked "perfect" because I'd never have the chance to get to know them.)
Overall, I prefer Plenty of Fish. It has been really fun to get this level of attention, and my phone buzzes with messages MUCH MUCH more often than it ever did on OkCupid. (It's a little crazy, actually. I haven't felt this popular ever before.) In the end, it seems like a numbers game: some might get lucky, as my cousin did, and meet her dream man on her first online date, but for the rest of us, it's about the learning curve, and about meeting lots of people in order to find the one we're seeking. I feel more likely to find that person in a big crowd than I do in a small one.
This weekend I have two more dates; a coffee date that will probably be "nice" but not yield a love match, and a slightly more interesting sounding dinner date. (I'm breaking my own rule for the dinner date - I usually keep it really short on purpose, choosing coffee or happy hour. I hope I don't regret this!) And then maybe I'll back off for a while, because life is busy. But you know what? It's nice to have a choice, it's nice to be sought out, and it's nice to have an option like online dating.
Because shopping at the online Man Mall is about the only place this busy single mom goes where she could meet men. :-)
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