Monday, September 30, 2013

Why does everyone else have a boyfriend except me?

Did I tell you about grocery store man (let's call him GSM, shall we) here?

Allow me to recap.

I was at the local Trader Joe's, and a man approached me, made chit chat about the coffee or some such nonsense.  He was of "the right demographic" in that he was about my age, not wearing a wedding ring.  He was attractive, but not my type: I described him later to a friend as a "handsome meathead."  (This type of labeling does not reflect well on my character.  Oops.  Sorry.  But you have a picture in your head now, don't you?)  His physique was good, but not my had a hint of "maybe I do steroids" in it.

But he followed me around the grocery store, making banter over tortillas and shampoo.  I literally laughed each time he talked to me, because it was all such a stereotype (and because I'm prone to inappropriate laughter, perhaps), but it was all in good fun.

When we walked out to the parking lot - surprisingly, we left at the same time, though I had a cart full and he had a basket with just a handful of items, and we'd started at the same time - he asked me for my number.  I was so amused that I said yes.

We exchanged text messages (the subject of another post, perhaps: text messages are entirely practical but equally awful) for half a day after that.  I asked questions, he asked questions, and there was banter.  I thought "hmmm maybe a fun date will come of this". 

But it unraveled quickly.  He struck me as a player (no surprise, given his pick-up tactics), and his writing style was very "u r hot" and that turned my stomach.  Worse than "u r hot" he used "your" and "you're" interchangeably.  (Yes, sometimes I'm a snot.  At least I own that.)  His very-different-than-mine religious views came up.  His party-boy ways came up.  He was my age, but sounded like a 21 year old.

After not too much of this, I sent him a text back saying "I have really enjoyed our conversation, but I don't think that we are a match.  I wish you all the best, and if we see each other around town I hope you'll say hello.  Thanks for reaching out to me!"

He wrote back a very long scathing retort, in which he told me that he was a great guy, that I was weird, that it was no wonder I was single if that's how I treated men, etc. etc.  He said, "I can't believe you're breaking up with me!" and he demanded that I give him a chance.

No thank you.  (And break up with you?!  We never went out!  How could I break up with you?!)

I found the whole thing amusing, put it in my repertoire of singles-scene stories to share with girlfriends, and mostly forgot about it.


This weekend, I was out with some girlfriends, and one friend brought a woman along whom I'd never met.  This new friend is smart, attractive, sassy, funny, playful, successful.  She's got a twinkle in her eye that is positively infectious, and I enjoyed her company instantly.  Like me, she is a single, divorced mom, and she and I were telling each other about our lives and just making chit chat.  Over cocktails, the subject of sex came up (amidst laughter and winks), and she told me about her various affairs as she scanned the room looking for single gents.

I revealed my lack of affairs, and she scolded me, and told me how to put myself out there more, and encouraged me to have fun and let go.  I listened: it's not the first time I've heard this, and I know it's worth considering, because I DO love sex, and I DO miss it, and I don't have some moral hang up about it.

She seemed somehow so much brighter and more playful than myself, I started to wonder if I was really cutting myself short, and that perhaps I should just give up my celibate ways and find someone to play with, even if it wasn't someone who really fit what I'm looking for.


The subject of GSM came up.

She had dated him.

He picked her up in a grocery store, just like he had me.  (That's a good routine, apparently!)  She decided to have a little fun with him, and they had some (apparently) good sex. 

So far, so good.  Maybe I missed out?

But the story went downhill from there.  This smart, sassy, sexually liberated woman whom I thought was so much more comfortable with sex than I was, fell for this guy.  They were boyfriend-girlfriend.  They had hot sex.

Hmm.  Sounds like I missed out.


She also found him a totally unsuitable, boorish, 21-year-old-in-a-45-year-old's-body, hard partier, steroid-using, temper-tantrum-throwing, ungentlemanly, pick-up-artist....and she found herself begging for him.  She informed me that he was a full-blown alcoholic with a host of other issues. 

She cringed when she talked about it.  Their relationship hurt her, and she wasn't happy about it.  She wasn't heartbroken, but somehow it broke her heart. 


I have heard variations of this story from many women.

The more I hear this type of story, the less I have any desire to go play that game. 

Some days, it does seem like everyone but me is getting good sex.  It seems like everyone but me has a date for the cocktail party, everyone but me is being wined and dined, everyone but me has no trouble finding a boyfriend.  I am fortunate in that online dating has yielded more offers than I could possibly ever accept, and I don't lack for attention, but there are days when I think "Everyone else has a good guy except me!" or "What is wrong with me that I can't find my match when everyone else has match after match?!" and most of all, "Maybe I'm just too picky."

But I don't think that's it at all.

I know what I want, and as I've said, I want it all.

I also know what I don't want, and I don't want to find myself emotionally attached to some nit-wit man who I know isn't good for me.

I also know that the sex is SO MUCH BETTER when my emotions are in it, and when I really respect the man I'm sleeping with.

I also believe that if I'm spending time with a man that I already know is NOT "The One," then I'm not looking for "The One."  If I'm sleeping with a guy I don't want to end up with, then I'm not going to meet someone I do want to end up with.

I can't separate sex and affection leading to love.  Maybe I "should," but I can't.  If I slept with GSM, I would have, like my new friend, tried to make it into something more, and like her, I would later have cringed when I thought of it, because there was NO way that I could get what I wanted from him, good sex or not.

GSM was like a PopTart.  A guilty pleasure, sometimes it does sound like a good idea, and since they sell millions of PopTarts I can't be alone in that belief.

But the thing is, if I eat a PopTart I feel sick afterwards.  It leaves a weird film in my mouth, and it upsets my stomach, and I never walk away from that meal thinking "that was delicious and I'm so glad I ate that."

I don't want PopTarts, even though if one was placed in front of me I'd be tempted.

For breakfast, I want fresh, seasonal, organic fruit; French pastries made from scratch that morning; and farm fresh eggs; with strong, dark coffee.  I don't want PopTarts.

For men, I want intelligence, compassion, humor, playfulness, responsibility, and hot sex.  I don't want the likes of GSM.

Some days, I'm sure it's true: everyone is getting some except me.  Some days, I wonder why I don't just go out there and burn off some steam, have some good sex, and take care of my basic human needs.  Some days I wonder why everyone else can find five relationships when I can't seem to find one I want to have.


For those women who can enjoy good sex with a man they don't see a future with, I say, "More power to you."  But it doesn't work for me. 

And I'm okay with that.


  1. I love this and you analogy with PopTarts. Yes. Can be tasty but leave a film and make you feel a little sick. I think you have an excellent handle on your wants and needs. And not settling, is gooooood. Because didn't we kind of do that before?

  2. loved this story, how can I add you to my google circle or whatever its called?

  3. Sorry to say, buy I think you're deeply mentally disturbed. Why does it matter in the least that he didn't spell a word right while texting or he didn't seem "mature" enough? Who cares? Why can't you just let yourself share physical pleasure with another human being who you find physically arousing? You act as if in order for you to enjoy sex your partner needs to have every characteristic of someone you're going to spend your whole life with. If you have an attitude like that you won't have a sex partner for the next 10 years.

    1. Mr Jones, if this lovely lady settles for a man who she knows upfront is not her cup of tea that will only lead to heartache later down the line. Now if intelligence or lack thereof is her deal breaker (and yes grammar and spelling count as intelligence) it's her life.

      If I put a morbidly obese woman in front of you, you may understand. We dont get how men can overlook some stunning women who (or is that whom lmao) have some extra weight on their bodies

  4. Carla, thanks! Yes, you may add me. I don't use Google Circle but I see messages from it pop up in email so I must be on there somewhere. :-)

    Darel, my blog post and your response only prove that we're incompatible, but not the state of my mental health. :-) The answer to the "who cares?" question is that *I do.* For me to find someone physically arousing they have to arouse my intellect, too. I'm all about quality, not quantity, and that works for me. I promise you, I won't go ten years - but I could easily go a year or more and I can live with that.

  5. I came across your blog by accident, and I'm glad. I no longer feel like I'm an oddity. I share your pop tart philosophy wholeheartedly. I keep hearing that I'm unnecessarily depriving myself (but it is a choice!) I keep saying what you are - quality counts, and I'm high quality and I expect the same in a mate. Kudos to you for sticking with the high road. It is less traveled but the views are fantastic, especially when the view is your face in the mirror each day knowing you live the way you choose to!

  6. Mentally disturbed? Lmfao. I know people who have faked their own Suicides, PollyAnna is far from being mentally disturbed!

  7. Women like you, who think you will find a guy at the supermarket, are fools.

    A cool, smart, nice guy is out there looking for you - but you are too much of an idiot to methodically search back.

    Stop dating random scumbags and 'jerks'. Stop going to clubs. Just go on a dating website and find a legitimately nice guy who shares your interests.

  8. Anonymous, I do not expect to find someone at the grocery store. :-) I guarantee I won't find someone in a club - I haven't been to a club in years.

    REad my blog a bit more - I've spent plenty of time online dating. But these days I think maybe I'll meet someone while backpacking. Much more my style. :-)