Monday, September 16, 2013

I don't know 'bout you, but I'm feelin' 22...

I am officially twice the age of Taylor Swift's lyric.  Happy 44th birthday to me!

But I've gotta tell you, I did not think that 44 would feel like this.  Not at all.


In many ways, I do feel 22.  I'm at the cusp of so many things, and that feeling of possibility that I felt at 22 is back again, only this time it's tempered by a lot of experience and a little bit of wisdom.

At 22 I did not think I was worthy of love, but I hoped I would find it anyway.
At 44 I know that I am worthy of supernova love, and I know I'll find it.

At 22, I felt so much pressure to get it right, and I felt like the world was watching me and judging me.
At 44, though my pressures have increased (a mortgage not least of it), I know that the world is too self-obsessed to worry about whether I am getting it right, and that those who might judge me aren't worth my time.

At 22, I was lovely and fit, and I could have spent hours telling you about what was wrong with my body.
At 44, covered in scars and with an imperfect body, I am so grateful for my body and all it does for me that I could weep in gratitude.  I am alive and it matters.

At 22, I often went with the crowd because I wanted them to like me.
At 44, I choose what I wish to do, see if anyone feels like joining me, and then do it solo or with a group, and have an equally good time.  I've noticed that those people who weren't that into me simply weren't my people: my people love me and love joining me, and we don't care who thinks we're weird or not cool or not doing interesting things.  Ironically, this has made me a lot more interesting, and once I started doing my own thing instead of doing what other people wanted me to do, more people wanted to join me.

At 22, I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up.
At 44, I know that I want to be in the non-profit field, starting in development and moving towards Executive Director, and on the side I want to write.  This is a beautiful sentence, filled with clarity and peace.

At 22, I hoped that one day if I was lucky, I'd get to be a mom.  I secretly hoped I'd have a daughter.
At 44, I have the best daughter in the world.  Which is to say - the best for me.  She is a lot like me, but so much better, and she has made my life so much better than I dreamed possible.

At 22, I didn't yet have my tribe.  I had a couple true blue friends who remain with me to this day, but those friendships were still relatively new.
At 44, I have tried and true friendships, and my tribe has lifted me through the darkest of days.

At 22, I ran.
At 44, I run.

At 22, I hiked and backpacked.
At 44, I hike and backpack.

At 22, I went on my first overseas trip.
At 44, I hope to go overseas with my daughter.

At 22, I loved museums and plays.
At 44, I love museums, and now I can afford the annual passes if I budget around them.  (So I do.)

At 22, I was a reader and a writer.
At 44, I am a reader and a writer.

At 22, I had no idea how strong and resilient I was.
At 44, I know that I am one of the strongest and most resilient.

44 will be my best year yet.  All of my running, hiking and such has made me closer in fitness to my 22 year old self, and I'm getting close to beating my best running times ever, and to surpassing my farthest distances....and that makes me feel 22 all over again.  I'm not feeling old, I'm feeling like I'm just starting out.  I feel like life, love, career - so much still lies ahead.  I feel confused like everyone else, only now I know that I'm not the only one feeling that way, and it doesn't hurt like it used to.

I was too tired after backpacking to do a big run this morning, so I did yoga.  My stretches are deeper, my mind happier.

I don't know 'bout you - but I'm feelin' 22.  Only better!  Tonight I'm throwing myself a cake party (cake, wine, and friends) and perhaps 20 people will come, and I can't wait.  No partner to throw me a party?  No problem - I'll throw my own....and enjoy the friends that come.  :-)  Happy birthday to me.


  1. Wow, I can see why he left you.

  2. I'm curious, Anonymous. What inspired your comment? Does my happiness bother you?

    But, just for the record: I left him, not the other way around.