Thursday, October 31, 2013

What happens next

I spend a lot of time wondering what happens next.  Who doesn't?

Last night, I dreamed about Luke.  It was a funny little intrusion from my subconscious, because I haven't been thinking about him and I don't really miss him.  But apparently I miss the idea of him, the fantasy that I had created that he was a part of, because in my dream we got back together, only everything was different: we were playful and laughed a lot, and in the dream we were snuggled together, less sizzling chemistry (which is what real life offered) and more playful companionship.  He was asking me questions, really getting to know me at a whole new level, and I was running my fingers up and down his chest, and I just felt - happy.

Except it wasn't like that in real life at all.  It was all smoldering chemistry and intensity, nothing playful at all, and the dream made me realize that he did NOT ask those deep questions about who I am, and that to have the feelings that the dream evoked, he'd have to be someone.....not himself.

It made me wonder what happens next in my romantic life.  I'm living like a nun these days, albeit a nun with a sultry imagination and such, and I'm not okay with my nun-status, but I don't know how to break out of the rut.  The problem is not being asked on dates - online dating provides plenty of that.  The problem is that I both crave the connection that I dreamed about (not with Luke, but the feelings that the dream evoked) and am completely closed to it.  The problem, in other words, is me.

How will I break out of this conundrum?  I have no idea.  I took myself off online dating a couple weeks back, and while I miss the ego rush of the attention (shallow but true!), I am clear that I need to be focused on other things at the moment.

But when will I next meet the man who makes my heart skip a beat, who makes me want to climb into his sheets, who makes me long for candlelit dinners, who makes me want to invite him on long runs or hikes or snowshoe trips?

I don't know.  Tomorrow?  Never?

And work.  Oh, dear God, the work thing is getting to me.  Here I am, sitting at home at 7:45am, my daughter already on the school bus, and I wish *I* was on my way to work, preparing to do something meaningful to me, contributing to a team, meeting a friend at the office to casually mention our Halloween plans, thinking about project deadlines, clients....

Everyone tells me it will happen.  Everyone says that if I just keep at it, all will be well, and I'll get the call that will change it all.  But when will that happen?  Tomorrow?  Never?

Never is not an option.  Just to be clear.  When I hit "publish" on this, I'll continue making phone calls, writing cover letters, and hoping that The Dream Job I've got my eye on finally calls me.

The not knowing is so hard.  Sometimes I feel that if there was a date on the calendar, with a list of actions that I needed to complete in order to make that date happen, I could happily move the right direction, fearless.  Wouldn't that be great?  What if on November 17 I was to get the right job offer, and all I needed to do between now and then was learn the industry software, clean out my attic...  What if I knew that I would meet my future love on X date, couldn't I then put aside all thoughts of it until then?

This, of course, is not how life works.  My life is full of uncertainty, and it's my job to work through it.

So today, I will set aside my dream, filled with longing, and simply try to ignore or forget it.  I will do the work that must be done to move forward with job seeking.  I will prepare for Halloween tonight (and the annual party that I host).  I will try to hold the faith that all is as it should be, that I am learning my lessons, that it will turn out in the end.

The thing that is keeping me sane right now is running.  All this uncertainty about what happens next is enough to make me insane, and running keeps me on the right side of that thin line.

The thing about running is that it has such beautiful, clear, clean cause and effect.  I get up and go, and my body feels different....every single time.  I trained as I was told to train (by books, websites, and runner friends), and I was able to run a half marathon.  Running gives me the promised endorphins, every single time.  My body is lean and strong, just as promised.

After the half marathon on Sunday, I didn't stop.  Monday I did yoga to stretch out my aches and pains, and I've run the past three days.

I can't control everything, I can't predict the future.  But I can run.

Thank goodness for that, at least.

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