Monday, October 21, 2013

Fabulous or Awful?

Right now my life is fabulous.

I mean, I'm in the best shape of my life, I have amazing friends, Katherine is doing well, I have a roof over my head and food on my table, men ask me on dates, I have the support of my family, a great education, and all the hope in the world.

Or maybe right now my life is awful.

I mean, I'm covered in cancer scars and my left arm aches, I'm divorced and unemployed, my daughter is entering puberty and snarky, and I have no idea when things are going to stabilize.

I have days when I'm riding on top of the world, convinced that anything is possible, and I have days when I don't want to get out of bed because I fear that I will never be able to get it together.  I have days when I feel wise and capable, and I have days when I wonder what the hell is wrong with me that things are such a mess.

The truth is in the middle, I think.

My life isn't perfect.  I am trying to allow room for imperfection, while still moving forward.  I think that the trick - if there is one - is to both acknowledge the joy of living and all of its goodness, while making room for the uncertainty and the discomfort of that.

I have no idea what my life will look like three months from now.  Will I be able to make my mortgage payment, or will I be on my hands and knees before my parents?  Will I be putting my house up for sale and quaking with fear, or will I be doing work that both moves my soul and pays the bills?

The truth is, I have no idea.  How terrifying is that?

But I am going to hold tight to the scenario in which I make it through this.  "Because you are alive, anything is possible" says Thich Nhat Han.  I didn't think I'd be alive to get into a mess like this one, so I'm already ahead of the game. 

Today I've got to shake the malaise that is holding me back, and make progress.  I can do it.  I am determined to do it.  I'm going to make this happen, and I'm going to take risks and face rejection.  I'm going to go after my dreams.  I almost said "I don't have a choice," but I do: I could give up.  But I'm not going to give up, ever.

Please send love and prayers.

1 comment:

  1. Okay, I think a lot of us are feeling that way. Me too. My blog today is titled, Ins and Outs. LMAO. I look at you and think you are doing GREAT. What you are is courageous. You are the most courageous person ever, much more so than I am. You are confident to step out on a limb and know you can fly. You are flying girl, flying.