Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Cha cha

I'm getting a chance to test my optimism these days.  I suppose we get that chance every single day, but right now I'm really feeling it.

I have been not-blogging about my unemployment because it's a tough pill to swallow.  Today, let's talk about it, shall we?

Crap.  This is hard.

I have not worked in 39 days.  My savings is small.  I am a single mom with a mortgage.

That sentence might be read differently.  You could read it as "HELP!!!  I JUST SAW A MONSTER UNDER MY BED!" because the feelings behind it are the same, except that my parents aren't going to come down the hall to rescue me.  It turns out that I'm going to have to slay the monster, or scare it away, or tame it, all by myself....but my unemployment is a monster under my bed.  I'm sitting on top of the covers, eyes wide, lights on, but if I ever want to sleep without nightmares I'm going to have to deal with it.

If only I could imagine it away!

I know I'm going to conquer this, because I've met and conquered some pretty fierce monsters before, and not only survived to tell the tale, but come out ahead of the game.

That doesn't mean it's not scary, though.

I know courage.  I really do.  It doesn't take courage to get cancer, but it takes a lot of courage to go to chemo, and even more to go back to chemo after it put you into anaphylactic shock.  It takes courage to ask for a divorce when there's no money in the bank and you haven't worked in eight years.  It takes courage to go on a first date when you thought your dating days ended on the day you got married.  It takes courage to look your lover in the eye and say "I've had double mastectomies, and before you remove my blouse I need you to know that my breasts aren't like normal ones..."

So, yes, I've got courage, and I've got proof that I have courage.

But that doesn't mean I'm not scared.

I'm scared.

Really scared.

Everything is on the line, and I have worked so hard to get to a place where I feel good in my life, but if I don't figure out the employment thing, it can all come down, crashing about my ears.

Deep breaths.  Trying to breathe without hyperventilating, actually.

I'm making progress, just more slowly than I'd like.  I had a meeting today where, once again, I was told that I was a good candidate, and that there is a job opening coming up that I'm a great candidate for.  I have another meeting on Friday.  I heard of another opportunity today.  I am making steps.

But readers, I have to confess something.

Some days I am absolutely frozen in fear, and when Katherine goes to school I practically curl into a tiny ball and just wish the day would end and that I wouldn't have to think about anything.

That kind of day is not going to get me a job, and after a week or two of that - a week or two I could not afford, and did not enjoy in the slightest - I'm trying to get back on my feet.  Making calls, making progress.

Please include me in your thoughts, and send out your good wishes.  I can do this.  I know I can.  Except that I forget, and then I am sure that I can't.

Two steps forward, one step back.  Last week was two steps back, four steps back, six steps back.

But I'm trying, and I'm working on it, and I'm going to push through.

Off to do what scares me.  Thanks for your thoughts, prayers, wishes, white light, or whatever you call it.  I'm open to all of it, and I feel that I need it.  Saying I'm going to do what must be done doesn't make it any less frightening, and I will take all the help I can get.  Thank you.

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