Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Crush

I haven't had a crush like this since....

I don't know if I've ever had a crush quite like this.

I have been talking - first on OkCupid, now on email, text, and one in-person date - with "Luke" every day for three weeks at least once a day, sometimes more.

Frankly, it's a little scary.  My feelings for him seem disproportionate to the amount of time we've spent face to face, and I have a hard time interpreting that.  Is it because I'm certifiably crazy?  Is this my rebound relationship, where I put all of my pent up energy?  Is this just a nice guy and I'm so hungry for the real thing that I'm imagining it?  Or is this my soul mate, my magical realigning of the universe?

He's kind, smart, and he somehow manages to let his feelings about me be known without being clingy or making me feel suffocated.  Our interests align (with some differences, of course, but lots of important overlap), our values align, he's a professional, he lives close (enough) by, he's a devoted father to kids close to Katherine's age, he's close to my age, he's gentlemanly, he's thoughtful....

I can not find red flags.

Thoughts of him fly through my head a hundred times a day, and it takes everything I have to be productive at work, to be the mother I want to be, to care for the house.

We have opposite custody schedules, so it has been difficult (to say the least) getting together, plus I've been out of town a bit and so has he.  Dating in one's 40s, with professional careers and children to care for, is substantially different than anything I've experienced before, and it's challenging just to get it off the ground, even when the desire is there!

Speaking of desire.....  My libido is back, and I fear that in a first kiss I may spontaneously combust.  I will have to remember that I'm a lady and that I don't REALLY know him, or I may do things not mentionable here.

But I'm scared.

I'm scared of how big my feelings are, and I'm scared that I'll miss red flags, and I'm scared that all of these big feelings can lead to some pretty big pain if it goes south.  With every other date I've kept a certain amount of emotional distance, so in the two times I felt rejected, it was more the sting of the insult than anything else: I haven't felt any depth of feeling for anyone until now.

And then there's the idea that I will need to face my fears regarding sex and my body.  It's hard for anyone reentering the dating scene after a 20 year hiatus to reveal their new body, and I am no different.  Still, I have a relatively strong sense of self, and I think I'm okay with that.  Where I struggle is that as a breast cancer survivor, I have 48 inches of scars over my chest and back, my breasts are fake and have no feeling in them, and worst of all, I have tattoo nipples but not real ones.  I fear his repulsion, I fear that in a moment that is supposed to be playful and intimate and hot, I might cry from nerves and fear.

So - I have some feelings of elation with my crush, and I also have fear.

Only time will tell how this will play out!

1 comment:

  1. How is it playing out? Great, I hope!!

    ReplyDelete