Thursday, February 27, 2014


I would like a do-over.  I have had enough of this current path and I know I'm not doing enough to get off this path and I feel frozen in the panicky "what if I'm just a total disaster and my dreams are never going to come true and I'm going to find myself living in a cardboard box?"  The thought "my friends and family would never let that happen to me" is not as comforting as it ought to be, as I feel diminished that I have such a great support system and yet I'm STILL not figuring this out.

Deep breaths.  In, out.  In, out.  In, out.  Again.


Sometimes I feel like I am spiraling into darkness and that I am simply a walking disaster, and other times I feel like I'm just on the cusp of something.  All the clichéd stories offer small comfort: it's always darkest before the dawn; we must hit bottom in order to build upon bedrock; you only get a rainbow after the rain.

I have a meeting next week with my dream organization, the one I hope to one day work for, no matter where I go next.  It's an organization that does amazing cancer research, and their reputation is clean and beautiful (unlike some organizations, unfortunately).  So, I'm not floundering entirely.  I have another opportunity (I think/hope) with the hospital where I got my treatment, another well respected organization, and I would love to work there, too.  To have an in to these types of organizations is powerful and wonderful and a gift, as I'm trying to break into the industry and these are the top of the field, so I take comfort in that....even as I fear that I'm completely out of my depth.


I hear my own thoughts, see these words on the page, and shake my head sadly at myself.  My calm, mature, thoughtful PollyAnna self says, "Ease up, girlfriend.  Stay the course.  You're getting great feedback professionally, you've got a whole team of people in the industry helping you out, and you've got this.  Keep going!" but the frightened parts of me, the ones that are beyond thinking, are saying "You're a failure, you're a sham, you don't deserve this, you'll never get it..." and those ones are sometimes paralyzing me, stopping me from even trying, making me sit in front of job postings frozen in fear and unable to do the work of applying.

Here is what I'm trying to remember.

My moniker is appropriate, now as always, when I find myself feeling not the least bit optimistic.

Pollyanna was scared and lost her optimism sometimes, too, but nobody remembers that - they treat the character as if she was lacking the capacity for doubt, forgetting that it is only the fact that she overcame that fear in order to find the good that is what makes her so extraordinary.

"Fifteen minutes later, in the attic room, a lonely little girl sobbed into the tightly-clutched sheet: "I know, Father-among-the-angels, I'm not playing the game one bit not - not one bit.  But I don't believe even you could find anything to be glad about sleeping all alone 'way off up here in the dark - like this."

Pollyanna may have been the ultimate optimist, but she too experienced darkness, fear, doubt.  She wasn't above breaking down and trembling, certain that there was no goodness left.

I am allowed to have doubt and fear, right?

But living in doubt and fear is not my style; it doesn't suit me.  I'm desperate to shed these feelings, ill fitting as they are.  I don't know what to do with them!

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”  Nelson Mandela

I have managed cancer.  I have managed divorce.  I will manage unemployment.  But I think it's time I let go of the sheet, got out of the attic, and got to work.  I have some conquering to do.

Please wish me luck, offer up prayers, send good wishes.  This is a lot harder than I thought it would be, and I don't even know why.  I'm struggling, but there is still a spark left, and I've got to turn it into a flame that becomes a supernova.  I'm exhausted and I don't know how to do that just now....but I'm going to try.

Here I go.

1 comment:

  1. I read your blog frequently, I love this post it hits home for me and i wanted to just let you know that your writing is inspiring and helpful and you are thought of and sent good energy and someone is rooting for you.