Thursday, October 30, 2014

More than enough

Like many women, I struggle to believe that I am "enough."  My marriage and divorce did not help matters.  I spent too many years feeling small and like my wants and needs didn't matter, and such things do not change overnight.

They don't change instantly because of divorce, either, it seems.

Yesterday I finally dealt with the fact that my old Subaru was, in fact, too old.  The engine light was on almost all the time, and the brake light kept coming on, and the whole thing was one thread away from totally unraveling.  Every time I got in it I wondered if I'd end the day in a tow truck, and I avoided taking other people (including Katherine's friends) in it.  I was constantly asking someone else to drive, just in case.

I looked at used cars, of course.  But Subarus hold their value really well, and interest rates on new cars are so low, that I found myself looking at a new car.

The economy version, of course.

But then for just a little more, I could get a moonroof.  Better speakers.  All weather package.

I asked my dad if he would cosign for me if I needed it.  My work history is too new, my income too small, my mortgage too large, and I just wasn't sure what would happen with financing.  Dad said yes, and with my heart in my chest, I signed all the papers to see if I'd qualify.

I qualified.  Not only that, my credit was in the "excellent" category, the one with no questions, the one that said I could get what I wanted.  I've managed my slim finances well.

So, last night, I drove off the new car lot in a shiny car that I paid for (and will keep paying for!).

My choice in exterior color.  (Dad says it's the color of pavement so it's not safe.  I like it a lot.  I said "This is my choice.")
My choice in interior color.
My choice in upgrades.  (Yes, I do want heated seats, even though they're frivolous.  Ditto on the moonroof.)


I am allowed to have some upgrades.

I am worth more than a beat up junker car.

I get to choose what *I* like.

I didn't know how good that would feel until I got to make those choices for myself, and earn the right to keep them.  I didn't know how small I felt, until a car dealership looked at me like, "Well, of course you can!"

I'm bigger than my car, and I'm no more important today in my shiny silver metallic ice car than I was in my dark (dated) green car.

But I'm walking a little taller, aware that *I* get to choose.  That my opinion carries weight.  That I don't need to settle, I don't need seconds.

I am enough.

I am surprised that I needed the lesson, but some old lessons are hard to unlearn.  Today, I'm unlearning the old "I'm not enough".

I am enough.

And YOU are enough, too.

1 comment:

  1. I did the same thing, finally getting rid of a total lemon that my ex had "helped" me get. The feeling of knowing that your car is good to go and won't break down and won't need repairs soon is such a total relief!! it is worth every penny. I am so grateful for mine every time i get in it. Enjoy it!! Congratulations!!!