Friday, January 1, 2016

Happy New Year!

'Tis New Year's Day, and the sun is shining and the mountains are sparkling, almost glaring in their white brightness against the incredibly blue sky.  2016 is here, and I couldn't be happier about it.

2015 was a year of personal and professional growth for me.  It had some serious challenges (professionally and financially) but it also had some new joys.  I skied.  I backpacked.  I grew professionally.  My relationship with my daughter grew stronger (at exactly the time everyone told me it would grow weaker).  I came to some realizations about myself and who I am and why I am the way that I am, and I felt so incredibly liberated by it.

I am in the new job, and I am determined to make it INCREDIBLE.  This small organization is poised for growth, and I'm going to make it happen.

My home feels almost like someone else's home it has changed so much (in my eyes), and I love it.  I have swept through every room, removing what I do not want or need, and what is left are items that make me happy through their usefulness or beauty.  My basement is light, bright, and clean, and walking into it I feel my spirits lift.  The walls are a shade of blue called Waterfall, a fresh, clean tone that reminds me of summer skies and snowy hills and swimming in alpine lakes and yes, waterfalls; the floors are a clean, light bamboo; the trim is crisp and white.  The whole effect is airy and light.  If my basement represents my foundation, then my foundation is utterly altered, almost unrecognizable, and improved in every way.

I even got rid of eleven - ELEVEN! - boxes of books.  The two large bookcases have room to add a few more things, and I have enough credit at the local used bookstore to buy books for years.

Yes, I am ready for 2016.

16 is my favorite number, and I do think that this year will be sweet 16.  I am looking forward to a joyful year, where the wonderful surprises far outweigh the sorrows.  I am looking forward to professional success, bonding with Katherine, and even more skiing and hiking and backpacking.  I'm looking forward to a return to running.

My new year's resolution is to OWN IT WITHOUT APOLOGY.  I will not apologize for my desires or for my needs.  I will not apologize for others' behaviors.  I will own my strength, my capability, my desires, and I will forge forward with joy as I pursue my dreams.

But this year, even as I pursue my dreams, I do feel like I'm already living them.  How did I ever get this happy?  How did I ever feel this whole?  The shape of my life is so much closer to the way I've always wished, and I feel that wrapping around me like a soft blanket, or like the sun on my skin.

And love?  Oh, I still believe in love, and believe it's there for all of us, and that I am worthy and lovable.  I am also not sure if I will ever find love, and I know that the search for it doesn't bring me a lot of joy.  This year I'm focusing on my life, but not on romantic partnership.  If someone fabulous crosses my path, I'll smile and say hello and let nature take its course, but I am not scanning the crowd for fabulous strangers, and I'm not online dating.  This year, I'm setting all that aside, removing all pressure from myself.  My life is good and whole, surprisingly wonderful, and doesn't need a partner.  Sure, it would be nice, but maybe I'm just not ready.  I don't know if I want to share my beautiful relationship with Katherine, or take time away from work, or manage someone else's needs.  I'm learning how to manage my own desires without compromising them into nothingness, and it feels so good that I'm not in a hurry to alter that process.

This will be a year of owning who I am, living my life, and reveling in the idea that I am living my dreams.  You will find me on a ski hill, at a table surrounded by friends, diving into an alpine lake, running a 5k, snuggled up with a book, speaking to a group.  I'm going to whip my board into shape, and I'm going to spend a lot of time laughing and being open to surprises and to joy and wonder.

Thank you, 2015, for all that you gave me.  It was a wonderful year, perhaps the best of my life so far.  I treasure that!  And I feel that 2016 will be more of the same, but building on last year's joys, this year's will be even deeper.  What an amazing feeling.

Happy new year!

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