Tuesday, April 1, 2014


I don't often remember my dreams after I wake up, but in the past few days, there were two.

The first:
The job that looks so promising, the one I've fallen in love with, the one that I think I have a good chance at...well, I got a phone call, and they blew me off, out of the blue.  I said, "Could you tell me why?" and they basically told me that I just wasn't that great.  I woke up feeling devastated.

The second:
I was driving somewhere with a very handsome man.  The dream man looked disconcertingly like a married man I'm acquaintances with; in my defense, one of the things I like about that man in real life is the beautiful way he and his wife interact, and I'd seen them together recently and thought "what a lovely relationship they seem to have".  In any case, in the dream, this wasn't someone else's husband, and it wasn't someone I currently know, and we were on a date.  He looked over at me, and started saying things that showed me that he really, really saw me.  I got nervous and felt vulnerable, so I put up walls and blew him off and said, "Oh come on, you're laying it on a little thick" or something equally non-romantic in response; in the dream I strongly felt the emotion of "don't fall for this or you'll get hurt."  He looked at me, stopped the car, and held my hand as he stared in my face.  "You deserve this," he said.  "You know how I feel about you, and I know we haven't known each other that long yet, but I will not let you push me away because I know you feel the same way..." and I knew he was right, and I felt my defenses melting, at once excited and peaceful, and I woke up feeling hopeful and wonderful.

I am pretty sure that I know that the first dream is a sign of all my insecurities about being unemployed.  Unemployment is a mind bender, and it sucks, and it's not okay and it's getting more frightening.  I had to ask my parents for help - ugh.  I even got the lecture (when asked my monthly expenses) that included something like "You know that your mom, you, and I lived on less than $1000 a month when you were a baby....!"  My father knows that times have changed, that nobody can live on that now, and that I have a mortgage and pay for health insurance (which, as Canadians, he did not).  He was kind and did give me the help I needed, but not without the sting of those words.  But it's not just about the money, that is so painfully tight: it's about the identity of being a working person doing meaningful work in the world.  I want that.  I want it badly.  And I think that this latest opportunity is my best so far, that I could use it not only to re-create my life once again but to really put my heart and soul into it.  The dream was a message reminding me how much I want it, how scared I am, how concerned I am that my dreams will not come true.

I will fight those feelings.  I'm holding on for what I need, and if this job isn't that I'll keep going....but please put in a prayer for this opportunity.  The work would be satisfying, the pay acceptable (I wouldn't get rich but I would be okay), and it would be a game changer...

The dream was about my fears in real life, not a future predictor.  I see that.

But the second dream?  I have no idea where that came from.  I'm not dating, I'm not online, and I barely notice men in my life any more.  I don't want to be someone's rescue project, and so I decided not to date until I had my life back together (one word: employed).  I am content with this decision, believe in it deeply, and don't spend much time thinking about men, dating, romance, love, or even sex (I've blocked it out, no point wanting what I can't have, so I've shelved it all for the moment).

All I can say is that it was really clear, that the moment was so tangible, and that my weak words to describe it sound sillier than the dream felt.  It felt good and true, and reminded me that I DO want those feelings.

But first, I want the job.

1 comment:

  1. Pollyanna: I highly recommend you read The Up Side of Down: While Failing Well is the Key to Success. The name of the book may sound a bit hokey but the book itself is not. I've got about 40 pages left to read, but the author talks about her past unemployment and unemployment in general. It's also has so much more. I think you may find some support and encouragement in the book.

    Whatever it is worth, I'm sending you support and encouragement today.

    Keep on moving you are getting closer to the end of this phase and this phase is going to have a great impact on the you who steps out of the tunnel at the other end.

    Love from a stranger,