Saturday, June 7, 2014

How to accept online dating rejection

I just had yet another exchange.

A message or two back and forth, and red flags come up.  I send a "You seem like a great guy but we're not a match - I wish you all the best in finding your lady love!"

He writes back.

"wow man your picky" (sic)

"Good luck finding someone to meet your high standards"

"Why did you even bother emailing me back if you weren't interested?  What the hell is the matter with you?"
"You must be sick if you don't think I'm a catch"

"No wonder you're single if you turn down a guy like me"

"What a bitch"

....and the list goes one.

Gentlemen, when you write me these things, I'd like you to know how I feel.  I'd like you to know the effect that your words have on me.  Are you ready for this?

I feel relief.  I dodged a bullet!  I was nice to you, and you were petulant, rude, or downright abusive in return, and I think "Thank God I didn't waste any time on that jerk!"  I think "I knew something was off!"  I think "GEEEZ that guy has issues!"

Here is what I don't think:

"OH NO!  I made a mistake!" or "If only he would take me back!" or "He's right, I never should have sent him packing!"  A rude response is merely proof that I did the right thing.


Dating has rejection.  Let's face it, it's not easy.  And in online dating, there's tons of rejection all around.  Gentlemen, how many women do you write?  You can't seriously expect each one of them to fall for you, can you?!  And ladies, not every man who catches your eye will like you in return, either. 


Here are reasons I reject a man online before even talking to him:
1) He lives too far away.
2) Our religious views are different (especially if he's marked that he feels strongly about his different-than-mine viewpoint).
3) Our political views are far apart.
4) He's not fit, or I just don't find him attractive.
5) He reveals big baggage, ranging from "I'm so sick of women's drama" to "my divorce isn't final" and a whole lot more.
6)  He isn't into the outdoors.
7)  He's allergic to pets.  (I have a giant dog and a cat.  His head would likely explode if he walked in my house.)
8) He mentions wanting someone spontaneous.  (My life is not spontaneous.  My life is ridiculously scheduled, and whenever I try being spontaneous invariably things fall apart as a result, because this working single mom who owns an old house and has friends and family constantly has things on the go.)
9) He has more interest in TV than books.
10) He seems to be looking for casual hook ups.

Please notice that nowhere in there did I write "He's a douchebag" or "As a human, he's a waste of planet space."  I don't feel like that.  I'm not there to judge anyone, or to make them feel bad about themselves.  I think that there's someone for everyone, and that we're all worthy of love and respect and partnership.  When I say "We're not a fit" I mean just that: our puzzle pieces don't go together.  I don't mean "I hate you" or "You are a waste of my time."  I mean: we're not a love match.

And please notice that on my list, for most of those things, there will be someone who says "So what?!" and thinks "I'd be great with that!"  For someone else, a man with no kids who loves to be spontaneous, doesn't have or want pets, and watches TV for three hours a night is a great fit.  It just so happens that it isn't a great fit for me.

Why is this so hard for people to understand?


If someone ignores a message I send them, here's what I do:


Nothing.  I do absolutely nothing.

I do not assume that it means that I lack value as a person.  I do not assume that it means that nobody will ever love me.  I do not assume that it means that he thinks I'm ugly, stupid, and boring.  I assume that there is something that isn't a fit.  I'm tall and brunette - perhaps he likes petite blondes.  I'm outspoken, and perhaps he likes quiet women.  I'm really active, and perhaps he likes more quiet evenings in.  I like to go out for dinner, but I'm not into dancing, and maybe he wants a dance partner.  Who am I to say?

But I know this: If I send someone a message and they don't write back, or they write back a polite no-thank-you response, then I think "Oh well, we're not a fit."
And then I move on.

People, this is what you do if someone rejects you online.


You do not insult them.  You do not tell them what they are missing by giving you up.  You do not try to make them interested.  You do not tell them that they are too picky, or that they'll be alone forever, or that they just let a good one get away.

You smile, say thank you, and MOVE ON.


When a man gets all freaked out that I said "no thank you" I am absolutely positively certain that he is not the kind of person I'd like to hang out with.

When I send a "no thank you" message to a man, and he writes back a warm response that wishes me well and says "thanks for getting back to me" (so often these things are ignored, because the internet rules are strangely rude) I think "I wonder if I made a mistake saying goodbye."

Think about that.  PLEASE.


If you go online, you're going to be rejected.  It's okay.  You'll reject others, too.  And it's okay.

Only by saying no to what does not work, will we create space in our lives to say yes to what does work.

Let's just be nice to each other as we go through it together, okay?

Thanks.  :-)


  1. I am an Asian male. I got all my messages from Asian females. Somehow, Asian Females find me attractive... The problem is I am not attracted to Asian females, very few Asian female will perk my interest. So, I just ignore all the one I am not physically attracted to and only respond to the one I like. I only send out messages to attractive females who meet my qualifications.

    I do have a basic filter also since I set myself a pretty high bar for marriage. I am a 30 yr educated man, I consider myself pretty good looking for my race, with $1M net worth (I worked freaking hard for this 6 years+ with crazy overtime).

    - Anyone who mention they want a sugar daddy in her profile
    - Kids, I want my own kids, I am not gonna raise anyone else kids
    - Uglies (not attractive)
    - Black girls (sorry, my mom will disown me if I marry a black girl, nothing personal, I am sure some black girls are pretty, educated and meet my qualification below)

    - Education don't matter. Income potential matter: Making about the same as me 100k+ (I am not gonna be anyone sugar daddy). It weeds out who likes me for me, and not my money. And, in the event of divorce (I wish it would never happen to me but shit happens in life), she can support herself without significantly draining my assets.
    - Attractive, wants kids
    - Have a sense of humor, loyal, trustworthy, ambitious, passionate
    - Give as good as you get.
    - You can contribute more to a conversation than "lol"

    Basically, I am just looking someone who is my equal so I can relate why we put up hoops to jump to find the perfect mate for ourselves. The girl I marry will have to qualify herself through my "hoops". Only then, I will be with her for the rest of my life ;-D Shallow? Yes, we are all shallow one way or the other. The girl who wants me will also put up so many hoops to jump before I can even meet her for coffee.

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