Revirginized. Again.

First of all, hey, it's my blog, and I can say whatever I want, including making up words.

So.

Revirginized.

At my count, this is the third time I've been a virgin.  There was the whole childhood into adulthood virginity.  Then there was the getting-divorced virginity that left me sexless for about two years or more.

It's been a year since Luke and I broke up, and therefore a year since I last had sex.

(Insert deep sigh here.)

If there is a way to be at once comfortable in one's sexuality but also only choosing sexual partners who suit one's ideas of love and romance without actually refraining from sex, I simply haven't found it.  If it exists, would you tell me how to find it RIGHT AWAY?!

Here's what isn't for me:

1)  Being a cougar.  I know, those lithe bodies and thick hair and carefree attitudes have some appeal - except they don't.  I want someone who understands my life, and a man much my junior just isn't going to relate.  I don't want to mother anyone, I don't want to be a sugar mama, and I don't want to be someone's booty call....so I don't want to be a cougar.  It is amusing when men more than ten years younger are interested, but....not my thing

2)  Friends with benefits.  It's something I've considered, but I just can't have casual sex with a friend, because either I'd want him to be more than a friend or I don't want to have sex with him.  I don't have a single male friend that I'd like to be in a relationship with, so I don't have a single male friend I'd like to have sex with.  Plus, if I bent my own ideas, I'm pretty sure I'd end up heartbroken, because I couldn't separate out my feelings into neat little boxes that way.

3)  Booty call.  I've thought about casual sex more times than I can count, and I've wondered if I'm some terrible prude that I won't do it....but I don't want to do it.  I compromised with Bryan and didn't get what I wanted, and it seems to me that for me casual sex is a huge compromise, and can't possibly give me what I want.  It seems like Pop Tarts - junk food that won't satisfy.  I want a tasty meal, not nasty processed food.

4)  A for-now boyfriend.  Online there were plenty of people who seemed like they'd like to take it to the next level, and a few were decent guys who will make someone a good boyfriend.  Except that I can't seem to do anything halfway, and I know that I'd either fall in love with the wrong guy or be bored with him, and that's not exactly a recipe for chemistry and sparks, it's a recipe for disaster.

So, what's left is the path to true love, and that's not so easy.  I loved having sex with Luke even though it was imperfect and we never really found our groove, because I was truly in the moment and though I wasn't sure what the future held, I was sure that in that moment I was where I wanted to be, and my body responded accordingly (with a giant WAHOOO of release!).  He wasn't my true love, but he was on the path of that journey, so he was a good step along the way.  (He's so far behind me I can't see him in the rear view mirror, though, and I have no desire to retrace my steps to go backwards.)  I don't need my next partner to be Mr. Right, but he needs to be someone with at least that possibility; he needs to have enough in common with me and enough chemistry that I long to be in his arms.  That's not easy to find - why is that?  It seems that my other single girlfriends find that much more frequently....is it that my standards are too high, theirs are too low, or something altogether different?  I just don't know.

So, here I am, revirginized with no sign of sex on the horizon.  Having just removed myself from the dating pool again, I have no idea how to change that state of affairs (I know, I know, terrible pun!).

Maybe it's because it's summer, and my skin is often exposed so that the sun hits it.  Maybe it's the fact that it's been a full year, and that this time last year I was thoroughly sexed up with Luke.  Maybe it's in the air; I don't know.  But sex is on my mind more than it was before, and I haven't got a good plan for dealing with it.

Single, busy, and missing sex.  What is a forty-something single mom to do?!