Even though my epiphany was a bit harsh (what? I'm afraid?!) it's kind of exciting to me. It shows me a new path, a new idea to explore, and I like that. I haven't been able to understand why I wasn't quite going the direction I wanted romantically, and I think that my epiphany is that answer. That's excellent, in my opinion, and also necessary, because the definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results. I want a different result....so I'm going to have to change.
And yet...
What on earth do I do with it? It seems like an excellent topic to discuss with a counselor, but I don't have the cash to spring for that, and it's a luxury I can't afford. (Don't jump on me here: I'm not saying ALL counseling is a luxury. I'm saying that paying someone to discuss my lack of love life with me is a luxury. I am not depressed, and my life isn't stuck - I'm feeling otherwise successful - and my relationships are solid, it's just romance. Counseling is critical for many things, and I've gone to counselors/therapists/psychiatrists before, and I'm not dissing them.)
Now, where was I?
Yes. What to do with my epiphany.
Since I can't afford a therapist, I'm going to have to unravel it by myself. If I'm afraid, I think I need to face my fears, but I'm not sure what that looks like. I'm not afraid of dating, I'm afraid of getting close to someone and being hurt, but when I date I am just not that into many people, so it's hard to find someone WORTH getting hurt by. (Very tongue in cheek, but with a bit of truth!)
I'm mulling it over. Forty four years of conditioning to undo is no easy task, but I'm up for the challenge. I'm not in a hurry, but I'm hoping to come up with some next steps.
***
This weekend I had a wonderful time playing with friends, and I had a busy day today doing chores and grocery shopping and minor household tasks, and I hosted my brother and his wife and their four kids and dog for dinner. I love them all, but collectively.....wowza. The parents yell at the kids, the kids run wild, and I run around trying not only to do the normal hostess duties but also see that my house isn't positively destroyed....while the parents watch and do nothing. Since it's summer we did this backyard style, but still nothing was immune, and it was exhausting. OOPS. Not the best way to end a weekend! I need some more down time than that. :-( Next weekend I have family commitments, including FIVE houseguests, but I swearIswearIswear I'm going to get time in my hammock with a book. Somehow.
I am trying to squeeze as much living as possible into my days, though, and I like that. Daily trips to my local beach, time with friends having adventures (Shakespeare in the Park, meandering a street fair, and more), volunteering, working, having fun with my girl, running....while still eating healthy, running, caring for my house, my yard, my pets, and of course doing the hard work of parenting as well as the fun stuff (scheduling, homework, chores, teaching even the not fun lessons).
My injury kept my from running, but I'm trying to regain lost ground. My clothes don't fit properly any more, and when I run I'm out of breath so fast that it's disappointing - I have nowhere near the speed OR endurance I did three short months ago, but I'm trying to regain it. On the weekends I'm working out both days no problem, but during the week it's tough to squeeze it in, so I'm working on that this week. (Last week I ran ONCE. Oops. This week, aiming for three times during the week.) I don't take my health for granted, and I'm trying hard to get back to the level of fitness I had before.
I have the idea that I need to have an adventure a day. Life gets so filled up with the 'must do this, must do that' that some days the routine gets me down: I feel like I have a choice between being responsible (work a bit longer at work, do another kid activity, chores, chores, and more chores, house projects, volunteering, family obligations...) and having a life, and I want to make sure that five days out of seven I do not find myself merely living instead of LIVING. An adventure might be quite short - a little trip to the beach to see the sunset, or lighting all of the candles and just sitting in the stillness for a bit, or going for a hike, or riding bikes to get ice cream, or swimming in the sea - but I want to really take time out of each day to LIVE. Often, I find that adventures involve really moving my body, but sometimes they are quieter (a book and a hammock and a cold beverage is heavenly, and certainly LIVING).
So, my challenges for the week and beyond:
1) Figure out what to do with my epiphany
2) Run three times during the week
3) Carve out time each day to really LIVE. An adventure per day, even if it's only 15 minutes.
Tomorrow after work will be a great adventure - out on the lake with friends on their boat. The next days will be harder, because I have a board meeting and then Wednesday Katherine has gymnastics....but I'm going to try. I'm going to try to figure this out, and to keep working on creating my best life. Where I get to rest in any of it is beyond me....but I'm going to keep trying to figure that out, too.
And on that note, it's 10:15 and my alarm is set for 5am work out. G'night, everyone.
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