I'm not in the deepdarkplace, but I'm not as joyful as I'd like to be, either. I am muddling through, hoping for signs that I'm on the right path.
On Sunday, I hiked. It's the best way for me to figure out what I'm doing, the best way for me to clear my mind. I went alone, not including my big dog, as Katherine was at a sleepover birthday party where my services weren't needed.
I love hiking alone. No talking, just lost in the views around me, the smells of the damp forest (it had rained the night before), birdsong, a million kinds of moss (speaking of which, I loved reading "The Signature of All Things" by Elizabeth Gilbert; if you've read it you'll know why I'm mentioning it now). A tiny lake with little fish jumping; a log at the edge of the lake to sit upon and munch my PB&J (a lazy version of lunch) and fresh peach.
I brought my journal, and I wanted to write Big Thoughts that would clarify everything that I was feeling, but I had no further epiphanies. My mind wandered to my vacation with my parents, to my marriage, to my present, to the future. Complicated lives do not make for simple conclusions, and I did not have a grand epiphany.
But I did relax a bit, and I felt some of the tension ease.
I may be muddling, but I think I'm' muddling in the right direction.
It seems that whatever I do, I'm not in charge of what happens next: I mean, I can eat healthy food and exercise (or not), and I can be an attentive parent (or not), and I can work hard at my career (or not), and those things have a great impact on my future....but in matters of soul mates, I think it comes down to pure luck, and it happens when it happens (or not).
So, I will be alone, for now or forever, and I am learning peacefulness about it. I'm thinking about what vulnerability means, I'm thinking about what being open means, and I'm thinking about what living in the moment means in the face of that.
I don't have the answers, and I'm thinking about learning to be okay with that.
Thinking about faith, grace, and trust. Thinking about the universe's benevolence, my faith in myself, and the beauty of being alive to muddle through. Wondering about God, hoping for some kind of grace, trying to trust the process of it all.
Look for the remedy inside the pain.
because the rose came from the thorn
and the ruby came from a stone
I may only be muddling, but right now, I think that's enough. Maybe it is even more than enough.