I work really hard at trying to live in the moment, not wasting a second of my "wild and precious" life. I think it's important to live in those small minutes, appreciating the life that is mine, that I fought so hard to keep when cancer tried to steal it from me.
And yet...
And yet I absolutely love the change in seasons, and I'm ready for autumn to come and woo me.
I have loved this summer, and it's been a summer of beaches: every possible minute has been spent on a beach, by the water, in the water. When I am an old woman and twice as wrinkly as the other old women, I will remember this summer as the one in which I was deep golden brown, playing with the kids in my bathing suit. An idealized version of this summer, true, but my tan lines are proof that there is some truth to it as well.
But I'm ready for the change in season, almost impatient for it, despite my intention to be present in the moment.
Lots of it is that I'm anticipating all of the changes that come with fall, preparing for them, slightly nervous about them, and I just want to jump right in and stop thinking about it. My beautiful daughter is about to start middle school, and every person I meet seems to think that this harkens the beginning of some miserable years for the two of us, but I am determined to prove them wrong. I'm excited to see the young lady that my daughter is becoming, and I'm excited to hear all of the new stories, and to launch this phase of our lives together.
Freshly sharpened pencils; fresh, clean binders; trips to the library; brightly colored papers announcing this and that. I have always loved the beginning of school, and in my adult life it's no different.
And it's been a hot summer in my corner of the world, a few degrees above average, and I've enjoyed it, but it's time to cool off. I'm ready for tights and boots, for scarves and sweaters. I'm ready to hike in the fall leaves, to have an Oktoberfest bratwurst while listening to music that would otherwise make me cringe (but, once a year, makes me smile). I can't wait to go with friends to the pumpkin patch, as we always do, and to launch pumpkins in the trebuchet, and to giggle at Katherine as she gets the biggest pumpkin in the field. (Years ago, we came up with a tradition: she can have any pumpkin in the field as long as she can carry it all by herself. She's very strong, and I think she trains all year to get a ridiculously large pumpkin.)
Back to routines, too. I'm always trying to tweak my routine to improve it, and this year, like every other year, I have plans for improvement. I will write more, do yoga, walk the dog even on days I don't run.
Summer is a time for splashing and happy shouting, for bright colors and bare skin, for outdoor gatherings and open doors and picnics three times a week. Autumn is a time for productivity, new ideas, coziness, fresh starts.
I'm ready for the next change. I feel it in the air, and it's more than just the cool undercurrents creeping in to the hot days, it's something in me, in my life. I'm deeply enjoying not dating - sometimes, I think I enjoy my solitude too much, but I am trying not to judge it and just accept it. But letting go of the idea of finding my one true love has allowed me to relax into other things, to tackle my life with new energy.
School starts on the first week of September, and I am ready. Our unhurried summer schedule (Katherine has been sleeping in, playing with friends every day while I work) will be replaced by our busy one: from school and work to gymnastics and homework, and bedtimes will be enforced. It's always a challenge, but I'm ready for it.
I feel a change coming in my life. We'll see what it is, whether it's just a season or something more. I'm more peaceful about my life than ever before, content with what is before me, and grateful for that contentment. My restlessness has been replaced with something else I can't quite name yet. Whether it's deeper peace, or something else.... I am hopeful that it's something wonderful.
***
On another note... My favorite nonprofit had an event this weekend that I was active in. They're undergoing major changes on their board, and their executive director has announced that she'll step down in 1-2 years. The number one name on the list of who will replace her is....me. I can't see ahead that far, and there are both pros and cons to the idea, but I feel a glow of pride that this new career path is exceeding my expectations. I'm working really hard at work, meeting with success, and so proud of the work I'm doing. A year ago, I was in a panic trying to figure out how I was going to make my life work out, transitioning out of my unfulfilling job and into an unformed career, but now I feel steady and solid and valued and challenged....and wanted! The leap of faith paid off, and I am living the results.
Grateful.
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