Tuesday, November 18, 2014


I have a crush.

And I love it.

Gymnastics Dad and I have been having long conversations at the meets and practices as we watch our daughters, and I am absolutely in the throes of my first crush since my divorce.

I've had flirtations.  I had a passionate "love" affair.  But I had not yet had a crush, and I had forgotten how positively delicious it is to have a crush.  I'd forgotten what it was like to have that early stage of catching eyes with someone across a room, trying not to look TOO excited, and watching them light up, too.  I'd forgotten what it was like to fall into like with someone.

With Luke, it was pretty chemical.  The man resembled a Dutch god or a soccer star, all lithe golden limbs and physical beauty, and well, I'm human, and I responded.  I think it was good for me to be with an uber-fit uber-attractive man after my relationship with Bryan.  Bryan and I didn't have great sexual chemistry; by the end of our relationship we had a negative sexual chemistry.  I was craving flames of passion, and with Luke, my body trembled in his presence.  It was exciting and (ahem) enjoyable, but it was more about being in a physical relationship than anything else, and I see that now.  He was a sweet talker, said the most marvelous things, but it was really just talk (whether it was the talk of a player or just a bumbling post-divorce guy is something I'll let fate judge) and of course ultimately it wasn't a good pairing.

I've had flirtations.  I've had too many dates.  But I hadn't had a crush....until now.

Gymnastics dad is tall and rugged in a George Clooney way; I'm definitely drawn to him physically (oh yes!).  But he's not chiseled perfection in the way of Luke; he's more human.  And his humanity is what draws me, somehow.

I do not tremble around Gymnastics Dad.  As a matter of fact, I feel animated, and sharper somehow.  It's playful and quick, and weaves in and out of silliness and lightness, pausing in moments of real depth.  We've talked about Taylor Swift, feminism, artistic process, books, parenting, our love for our daughters, our exes (lightly on that one), friendships, the holidays.  There is smiling and teasing on both sides, and then these dips into pieces of meaning - little glimpses at the person beneath the smile.  We've touched on religion and politics (we agree), volunteerism (he is one of the few single men I've met outside of work who not only values it but lives that value!).

The time passes quickly when I'm talking to him, and I walk away feeling light every time we talk.

He has my phone number now - but in a contrived way, a volunteer project we might both do, something to follow up on, not a date.  He has not yet used my phone number.  Maybe he will (I actually think he will!), maybe he won't.

But the difference between 45 year old Pollyanna and the Pollyanna's that came before is that I don't need him to call.  Sure, I'd be delighted if he did, but I don't need it.  I'm busy living my life, loving it, filling my hours with fun and activities, planning for the holidays, working my tail off.  If he calls, he calls, and I would certainly say yes to a date.  But if he doesn't?  All is still well!  It is not a reflection of who I am if he doesn't call.  Maybe he has a secret girlfriend, maybe he's not into dating, or maybe he's not into me "like that" and it's all okay.  Maybe he doesn't have the nerve to ask me out even if he does like me (and that would be a sure sign that we should not be together, because I need a strong man, and of that I am absolutely certain).

This crush is all about me feeling light and happy: nothing more, nothing less.  In some ways, it's not even about him (yet), it's only about me allowing myself to feel attracted to someone, to be playful, to indulge in little fantasies.  Whether or not he reciprocates, or whether or not it goes anywhere, it's okay, because I'm having fun with it in the here and now, no need to worry about anything that happens next.

Although I did have quite a little fantasy when a Groupon for a romantic getaway came into my email this morning.  I do wonder what he looks like with bedhead on hotel sheets......

Happy Tuesday, everyone.  I hope you've got a little flirtation in your life, too, because it's awfully fun.  Why didn't I do this sooner?!

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