Sunday, November 23, 2014

Strange turns

Well, it finally happened.  The stars aligned, and at long last Gymnastics Dad invited me to dinner.

It happened spontaneously....but not really.  I kept my Saturday night open because I know it could happen the way it did.  There was a league gymnastics sleepover at the gym, and all the parents would be dropping off their kids at the same time.  I knew his daughter was attending, and I (ahem) didn't leave until I saw him.  We chatted, there was "What are you doing now?" and "Well, I'm starving!" and lo and behold, a dinner invitation.

We went to a beautiful little Italian place nearby - the kind with a hand written menu on a chalk board, candlelight, intimate little tables, and innovative dishes (mine had Brussels sprouts and black trumpet mushrooms, for starters).  We laughed a lot, and talked about things large and small (as we have been doing for months now).  I think he was actually a bit nervous - which was funny, because he's a hottie and about 6'4" and successful and smart and polished and charming - and he dropped things and had a bit of self deprecating humor etc. 

But he also had a twitchiness that I didn't like, I think brought on by Nicorette pills.  I don't like that he recently returned to a smoking habit that he's now trying to re-break.  I don't like that he's a reformed party boy with a craving for adrenaline.  He mentioned going to the clubs, and it was all I could do to prevent myself from sighing or laughing.  Nothing in his demeanor made me think that we'd find ourselves on a quiet beach watching the stars, or hiking through a forest, or camping by a lake.  He seemed like a city-boy through and through.

And just like that, the crush seems to have dissipated.  He's a nice guy, a catch for someone....many women will likely want what he has to offer.  I still find him intriguing - it's nice to have the attention of an attractive man, fun to have banter - but my gut says that he's not my guy, not my dream man.

This is so freeing that I can't even begin to tell you how good it feels.

He's got credentials - not only gorgeous eyes and a chiseled jaw and that height thing that makes me melt; not only a successful creative professional and a dad who is fully engaged with his daughter, a home cook, a reader and a musician for fun (but not money) - but he drives a fancy car and says things like, "when the mayor invited me to sit on the economic council..." very casually.  Yes, he's got credentials.

But I know now to listen to my gut.  There is nothing calm about him, and my frazzled nerves most definitely want calm.  He strikes me as a great big kid, bouncing off the walls and probably getting into trouble at school but making everyone (including the teacher) laugh in the process.  That's fun, and playful is attractive....but it's not "me."

I don't need a man.  Not even a successful, kind, hot man.

I want someone who makes my heart respond.  That is what I want, and I won't stop until I get it.  I want the whole enchilada, and I want to feel that rightness deep within me.  I want that in a man.  And if I don't get it, I will be okay.  A little sad, but utterly okay.

I have no idea if Gymnastics Dad and I will go out again.  I'm not even 100% sure that what we did was a date - it was a two hour meal, very enjoyable, but no physical contact (not even "accidental" brushing of hands or knees), and no "let's do this again" at the end of the night.  It went well.  I think he likes me, but he likely sees things in me that aren't a good fit for him, either.  (I'm more librarian than party girl, and I'm A-Okay with that.)  If he asked, I might say yes, because this has been a good experience, but I am making sure that I don't get sucked in to the credentials, and that I listen to my heart.

I'm waiting for what the universe hands me.  Professionally, personally, romantically, I have a new faith in the universe-that-some-call-God.  It's happening.  I can feel it.  I just need to clear the way for what comes next, not get bogged down in what is not true and right for me.  I'm listening to my gut in a way that I never have before, gaining new confidence that it knows what is true.

What a strange turn!  A date with my crush, and I feel so free.  I didn't see that coming, either.  I can't wait to see what happens next!

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