Sunday, August 4, 2013


Right now, I feel like anything is possible, and that I am setting the world on fire.  It's hard to explain it exactly - I haven't cured cancer, I haven't created any truly amazing accomplishments, and I still have petty struggles - but I am just filled with an immense energy and I am enjoying it more than I can say.

I can feel my eyes sparkling.  I laugh twice as much as I did just a couple of months ago.  And I have lots of energy - glorious energy, once the bane of my existence because I was so tired that I couldn't find it.

I'm just a girl and I'm on fire...

I think that I understand the source of my flames - a number of things have come together to ignite them.
- Luke reminded me that I can draw attractive, successful, interesting men, and he also reminded me of physical passion.  Australia helped with that, too.  And it seems like random but attractive men are appearing left and right right now.
- Going on vacation (a week in a sunny climate with Katherine in June) gave me space to reflect on my life in a relaxed way, and I gained the perspective that I really have pulled off a miracle
- I've proven my success at work - I'm a valued (and valuable) employee
- I'm working on some writing projects that actually excite me, that I believe in, and that come from a place deep within me

...and the biggest of them, because it happens at a cellular level?  I'm taking care of my body.  My body has been to hell, and it lived there for years, and I'd grown accustomed to it hurting all the time, to it being something that held me back.  Well, I decided a while ago that I was SICK of it (no pun intended!) and I was ready to put that behind me.  That's when I started getting up at 4:30am to run, and I began eating healthier, and monitoring my sleep better.  All that work has paid off.  Not only have I "accidentally" dropped about 15 pounds (I did not consider this a diet by any means - I just wanted to feel good), but my more toned body really works so much better for me.  I have a ton of energy that I didn't before, and my body just doesn't hurt any more except from when I push my muscles.

If there are any breast cancer survivors who are going through or just out of treatment, I want you to read that again.  I had chemo, radiation, sixteen surgeries including double mastectomies, oophorectomy/hysterectomy, node dissection, and a whole heck of a lot of reconstruction, and all the meds including Herceptin, Femara, Aromasin, Zometa, tamoxifen.... I took six years in that version of hell, and I never thought I'd get out.  I know I'm not "safe" but to go from being unable to lift my arm over my head to being able to do plank for two minutes, to go from slogging through the day to being able to run five miles routinely, to go from just hoping I survived to having a bounce in my step, well, to say it's incredible isn't putting it lightly.

If I can do it, you can, too.

As usual, though, I digress.

I have reached a new phase of my post divorce life.  I am simply on fire, and there are sparks in my eyes, and people see them.  At work, clients note my energy.  My friends note it.  My brother posted on Facebook, "I saw my sister today, and she's back.  Welcome back, sis."  (No, I hadn't traveled anywhere!)  Men notice it - I'm being hit on for the first time in years, and the line that I have heard multiple times is "You have an energy that is really attractive, confident, and frankly very hot....I just want to get to know you."

This weekend I went to another National Park and did a hike with my daughter and our friends, and it was breathtaking.  This morning, having hiked with kids (super fun but not exactly pushing myself) I went for a five or six mile trail run near the cabin (guessing distance based on how long I ran for).

I am going to shake up my career.  Again.

I am going to be a better mom - new school next year, and I'm going to find new ways to engage.

I'm going to write and actually share that writing.

I'm volunteering.  Let's change the world, okay?

Next week I leave for a week long camping trip with Katherine and our friends.  Another national park, another set of nights under the stars, more hiking, more nature.  Singing around the campfire, swimming in freezing lakes, friendship.  That ALWAYS gives me energy, and always puts the light back in my eyes.  This will be amazing.

And I'm going to keep saying "no" to the men who aren't right for me, because either it makes space for the right guy, or it makes space for these other activities in my life.  I am going to continue saying "yes" to all things life affirming that fill my soul, that give me this beautiful energy, that make me feel like my life is interesting and with meaning.

I've got sparks in my eyes, and I couldn't be happier about it.  I feel like maybe I'm really getting it - like some of the lessons are sticking.

Now, if I had all of this with a side of sultry yet sweet sex, I might say that things were perfect.  ;-)  But this close to perfection is like nothing I've ever experienced in my life before.  I am feeling my blessings overflowing all around me, and I am grateful with every cell of my being.  Healthy and happy, with a girl in the next room who is "secretly" dancing as Taylor Swift blasts, a tired dog on his bed, all of our bellies full of healthy food, writing to you while the sun still streams in the windows.

Please help me to remember these moments when there are hard times, because these are the moments that keep us going.  But you know what?  I think I'm just getting started, and I can't wait to see what happens next.

I am aflame.

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