Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Mad scrambles and pride

Today I started the day with an offsite meeting, did office work all day, found out that I had dropped a big ball (ohcrapohcrapohcrap) because it was a slip of paper that got buried in a gigantic stack, fixed said problem (think: groveling to a major agency that grants our funding....thank goodness for real, live human beings who understand and are kind), worked with this-is-a-nonprofit-using-crap-for-software technology and made it work, hit another meeting on the way home, chatted with my daughter while making dinner (lemon thyme garlic chicken, thank you very much), and now we're getting ready to eat, then go to the choir concert.

After her little part of the concert, I'll leave, and her dad will pick her up.  It's his night, after all...

And I have an evening work meeting with state representatives to work with them on an event.

High heels, a little black (work appropriate) dress, home made food, too many meetings, and I wouldn't miss the choir concert for the world.

Want to know what it's like to be a single working mom?  This is what it's like.  The parking strip isn't mowed, but the rest of the yard is.  The girl feels loved, and we are well fed.  The laundry remains in two baskets in my bedroom because we were too busy (at a party) on Sunday evening, so we didn't fold it, and I just accept that I will be living out of laundry baskets this week.  (I fold a few pieces every day and put them away.  It still won't be done by Friday.)  The dog is happy to do 5am workouts, sad that they're not every day.  Tonight I will be so tired that I will literally consider crying, but I will decide that I am too tired and I will fall into bed.

It's not perfect.  It's not always good.  But it is my life, and I am proud of the life I'm making.

This weekend I will try to relax a bit, not work.  I will watch my girl do gymnastics, even though it's not "my" weekend, and I will shop for the birthday party present as well, because the ex can't or won't.

And I don't even feel bitter - I just feel tired, along with proud, along with intense relief that I'm able to manage this somehow.


My ex can't do it.  It doesn't occur to him that when he says "I can't feed her before the choir concert" it means that she won't eat before a major performance, and that she won't eat until 8:30pm or so (an eternity to a growing girl - none of her clothes form last month seem to fit at the moment).  It doesn't occur to him that he is essentially saying "I can't so you must."

I was bitter about that - oh, yes, veryveryvery bitter.  But you know what bitterness bought me?  A divorce.  A much needed divorce.  But after the divorce, it doesn't buy me anything, so I let it go.

Yup.  It's unfair, and it's incredible that in this day and age a father should be a "shows up to be the hero" prize, when so much more than showing up is required (and let's be clear, he doesn't always show up, either, only on his every-other-weekend times, and then often late).

But you know what else is unfair?  It's unfair that he can't get his life together, yet I can.

My life is coming together beautifully.  Imperfectly, and yet - here I am.  Strong.  Healthy.  With a loving daughter, who does gymnastics and choir and homework, and she's well loved.


Yesterday I was enraged at the stupid lawn.  Stupid ****ing lawn, actually.  But today?

Today I'm just proud. 

I figured out the lawn.
I figured out the concert.
I'm rocking it at work, and I'm rocking these heels.

My ex?  Not so much.

Who could blame him for being bitter?


PS  I signed in to OkCupid yesterday to quit.  I saw two really great messages from two different guys, and now I'm talking to both of them.  Huh.

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