Saturday, May 10, 2014

Perhaps a bit too independent?

When I was married, I was too dependent.

I was too dependent on Bryan for love, happiness, money.  I pinned all of my dreams on him, and the small family that we created, and I put those dreams above all else.  I was his tax dependent, and I was dependent on his moods for my own sense of security.

That, as we all know, did not go well.

After divorce, I felt gloriously independent: making my own money, caring for Katherine, taking care of what needed to be done around the house, etc.  I felt strong and though I had a ton of responsibilities, I felt carefree.  The burden of carrying someone else's happiness had been lifted (it was a burden because my ex made choice after choice that made him unhappy, and refused to change that pattern, only complained about it, and happiness was an impossibility no matter how hard I worked at it).

I still wanted a partner.  I still wanted someone marvelous to hold my hand, to kiss my neck, to share the ups and downs. I wanted romance, partnership, companionship.

I still do.

Or do I? 

In theory, I do.  I want the happily ever after of romance.  I want the partner, the one I will dream with, sleep with, cook with, hike with, and share life with.

Except that right now it sounds like too much bother.

I have really enjoyed re-earning my independence.  I can hardly believe that I've been able to turn my life around this last couple of years, to make so many changes, and to come out on top.  I love my new life, tiring though it may be, and I'm proud of it.

I love my life so much that I can't imagine bringing someone else into it, as a matter of fact.

I put my profile up on OkCupid about a month ago, and I've received a fair amount of interest, and I have been interested in precisely nobody.  I can't even find people who make me want to write back, not even a hello.  This must be more about me than them, but I can't seem to find one person that I not only find physically attractive, but also intellectually attractive, who fits my lifestyle (active, outdoorsy, lives not too far away, etc.).

It does occur to me that if this is my attitude, I might just be alone forever.

What is so incredibly surprising is that I can live with that, and that it might even sound good.

Maybe I've waited too long to fall in love.  Maybe my standards are too high.  Maybe I'm unlucky in love and resigned to that (not my style, but perhaps subconsciously?).  Maybe I've grown TOO independent, and I enjoy my independence so much that now there's no room for another person...?

I don't know what it is.  But I do know that I can't find a single person I want to go on a date with, and that means I might be alone for a long, long time.

Some dear friends have smiled and said, "Ahhh this means that NOW you're ready to fall in love" and while that sounds quite lovely, it doesn't feel true.

Time will reveal all.  But until then - happily single!

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