Monday, December 16, 2013

An open letter to Luke

On this morning's run, my mind wandered all over the place, as always happens.  I have plenty to think about: my sister in law is in the hospital, I'm unemployed, my daughter can't seem to get her school work done in a timely manner, money is crazy tight, it's the holidays, and I'm unemployed (worth saying twice).  Did I mention that Bryan is now also unemployed?  I can't even process that right now.  I am trying very hard to remain positive, to stay focused on all that must be done, and keep moving forward.

I AM moving forward.  Waiting for notice of my third round of interviews, coffees and networking meetings all over the place.  Things are going well, even though they're not resolved.  I *do* feel good.  Stressed, but good.

But my mind wandered and wandered, and somehow today it landed on Luke.  I don't really think about him too much because in the big picture of my life, he is not a key player....but he was the last man who held me in his arms, the last man who made my heart flutter, the last man who held my hand as we walked in moonlight, the last man who gasped my name.  (Ahem.)  When people talk about romance, or sex, or flirtation....he's the last person I experienced all that with, so no wonder I occasionally think of him.

I still believe that when you have sex with someone, you give that person a piece of your soul, and that you can never get that piece back.  If you choose your partners wisely, this is not an issue, but if you choose them poorly, then bits of your soul are out there, being tossed about casually, picking up bruises, gathering dust, suffocating in the dark.  I have worried for the bit of my soul that I gave Luke, but I also know that it was a small piece, one that I can manage without, and I hope that he isn't being too unkind to it, that he doesn't look back at our time together with regret.

I had spent so much time thinking about the piece that I gave him, that I forgot for a while about the piece that he gave me, and how I had not been tending it.  Today, while running, it occurred to me that I had taken the bit of himself that he gave me and not been kind to it, and that perhaps he deserved more, too.  What follows is what came to mind during my run, that I realize I can not send to him because it would likely not be received in the manner in which it was intended and might burden him or send the wrong message....but it needed saying, so I'm putting it here, sending it through the cosmos.  Here goes.

Dear Luke,

You must be startled that I put "dear" in front of your name, because the last time we spoke, I was incredibly angry with you and let you know it.  "Hell hath no fury..." and I, being scorned, was furious.  Time does what it does, however, and I wanted to let you know that I'm not furious any more, and with a bit of space, I have a totally different perspective.

You and I were not a good match, and you saw that before I did, and ended things.  I might wish that it had been handled differently (I do, and deeply), but I've come to a place of peace about it, and forgiveness, too.  When you broke up with me, I decided that you were a player and a jerk, and I labeled you as such...but I think I was too hasty.  I think that there is goodness in you, and that you were doing the best you could with what you had, and I forgive you.

You've got your own demons, and I saw a few of them, and how they tore at you.  You tried to show me that you were strong and capable, and of course you are, but you are also vulnerable, and in trying to hide that vulnerability I think perhaps you revealed it even more.  In our ending, I forgot how you were struggling, too, behind all of your strength and success, and I dismissed you as less than you are, and I'm sorry for that.

I don't believe that you were playing with me.  I believe that you saw something in me that you liked, and that you tried to offer me what was in you, but your demons, as well as our incompatibilities, held you back.  This did us a favor, because our souls weren't really in alignment and we would have ended eventually, though I do confess that I wish we could have had some more fun first.  ;-) In any case, I think that you were struggling through it just as much as I was, and that you were not malicious.  I see that better now.

You gave me a little piece of your soul to tend, and I want you to know that I'm caring for it, now.  I've wrapped it in tissue, set it in a pretty box, and put it up on a high shelf where the sun hits it sometimes.  It won't get damaged on the shelf, and I dust the box off every now and then.  I tried not to take too big of a piece from you, and I hope that I did not.  I hope that you still feel whole, even though you gave it to me, and that you are well.

As for me, I tried to give you a large piece of myself, but in the end, I think I only gave you a tiny one, for I can not seem to locate the part of myself that is missing.  I do not know if you will tend what I gave you by thinking of it fondly, but to my great surprise, I am okay anyway.

I feel peace when I think back about you and I.  You were a highlight of my year more than you were a lowlight, and I'm glad for all of it.  I hope that you go out there and find what you're looking for - love, peace, happiness, joy - and that you enjoy all of life's successes.

I wish you well, Luke.  I send you my forgiveness, my well wishes, my thanks.  May you have the happiest of lives.


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